Wednesday, December 30, 2009

You Have Shitty Taste in Music

Now listen to your favorite bands blow SHRED!










Edit: This video, which I couldn't find for some reason before, is also funny and features Nickleback who are worse than all aforementioned bands combined.



Admittedly, probably only the first one was funny, but I felt it would have been dumb to only post one of the videos. And I'll do what I want.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Not Even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone...


This video has a soundtrack to it already, but if you're reading this you already know it's insufficient. This is a video about a man who attached (fake but function-able) rocket launchers to his motorcycle. And not even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone could soundtrack the awesome.

Finals Week Over : Let's Start Blogging Again!

So you know that show X factor? I didn't either. But I read up on it and it turns out it's the original British version of America's Got Talent, sans The Hoff. It's the same program that launched a career as a bard for modern day troll: Susan Boyle. Well anyway, I guess the guy who won this year has a new song out, and for some reason or another there's a group of people on facebook that want his song to not reach #1 on the charts. To achieve this feat they've decided to campaign for Rage Against the Machine's "Killing in the Name" to be the #1 song. I'm not sure how or if it's going to work out for them, but if it sparks video mastery such as the one following, than I'm all for it.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Nair Your Ass

A story of fear, forced discomfort, love, and self discovery. And hot shit.

Click to Enlarge

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

How to Be Less Productive


Normally I post a game for all of you to play during your work/school hours. But today, all you have to do is watch. You're doing good work, and I'mma let you finish, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 was one of the funniest shows of ALL TIME.

Monday, December 7, 2009

What You Thought Was Wrong

You thought you had some special skill. You thought that your talent was mad phat and hip. You thought the whole internet would be shocked to see how talented you are and applaud you for what you achieved. Your skill was beatboxing, and your claims...your claims were baseless.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Take Your Name Off Your Phone

I don't know how you feel about the Tiger Woods sex scandal, but it's irrelevant really. This is my blog, and you should know that by now. It's extremely sad when the role model for thousands of children doesn't live up to his name. But goddammit does it lead to some comedic gold.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Get into that Christams Mood, or Else

I don't know about you guys, but I pretty much hate Christmas music. Just about all of it. Unless it's Christmas day, I really don't want to hear anything about Santa, or sleigh bells. I work part time in a retail store, so starting Black Friday I'm sure to be bombarded by Christmas to the point where I can feel Santa's big, red, old, stinky sack hitting me in the face. Soak in the imagery. And there are of course songs that I hate more so than others. Elvis' Blue Christmas for example. I simply cannot tolerate the background vocals and their "do-doo do-dodo"-ing. Another example is the song "Christmas Shoes" by some faggy Christian group called New Song. Here's the video for the song in case you haven't had the esteemed pleasure of letting it ruin your holiday.



I remember like a year or two ago when I first heard that song come on. I did a double take because I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of the speakers. Christmas has to be one of the happiest holidays out of the whole year. And yet, here's this Christian rock band doing their damnedest to suck all the joy out of it by singing a song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mom so she looks pretty when she gets to Heaven. What the fuck? I'd go on further, but Patton Oswalt has already hit the nail on the head in this stand up bit:

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It

This 8bit (or maybe 16bit?) animated video is called Truckers Delight. It's like a Japanese video game about a horny truck driver. Enjoy.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Bottomless Pits: The Possibilities Are Also Endless


So I was watching a video that was made from the top of the Burj Dubai: the tallest building in the world at 2,684 ft. In the comment section someone asked if someone took a dump off of the top of the building, how long it would take to hit the bottom. Sounded like a pretty good question to me. So I started looking around for the the terminal velocity of poop. I ended up finding this thread on Reddit in which someone asks "If you were falling down a bottomless, but didn't realize it was bottomless, how long would it be before you stopped freaking out?" Almost immediately the conversation starts asking the really tough questions, and makes it way back to poo.


iJustRegistered |142 pointswritten 29 days ago

If while falling, you reached terminal velocity, and you pooped, would your poop float beside you forever?

edit: spelling

  • Scarker |223 pointswritten 28 days ago

    Reddit.com: We ask the tough questions.

    • CEOofEarthMITTROMNEY |10 pointswritten 28 days ago

      It's this kind of "gotcha" journalism that is killing Reddit.

  • JohnFensworth |51 pointswritten 29 days ago

    I wondered that too!!! And then I wondered how it would be if you happened to have a bunch of food falling beside you at terminal velocity, and it was within your reach. You could survive a long time, but there would eventually be poop encompassing your entire general area!

    • TheDeadMethod |33 pointswritten 29 days ago

      i love you, so so much. i spent a delightfully long time vividly envisioning a perpetual fall in the company of only food and my own waste.



Click here for the rest of the Reddit posts.


Oh, and the average weight of a bowel movement is about .27lbs (depends on weight of individual amongst other things). So if we say it's a .27lb dump, and exclude air resistance we can calculate that it would take approximately 12.9 seconds to hit the bottom. But it would exceed terminal velocity at some point so we can assume then that it might take longer, like about 15 seconds. The math is not exact, and is only an approximation.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Anything is Better Than Jeff Dunham

I'm glad I'm not the only person that doesn't like Jeff Dunham. I mean, I kind of suspected that I wasn't that much a of a cynical dick to be the ONLY person to think his brand of comedy blew lemur taint. He wouldn't even be a comedian if he wasn't treading around in Jeff Foxworthy's Blue Collar Comedy reject punchlines with his hand up the ass of a wooden doll. What adult actually likes ventriloquists anyway?

Answer: This woman-


Who I highly doubt is going to be tuning to Comedy Central at 9pm on Thursdays when she could be watching Sean Hannity blow himself weeknights at 9pm on Fox News.

Answer: Hungarians-




That's absolutely terrifying. But they still got nothing on David Liebe Hart.



I'm not against all puppets. There are a few instances where they can even be hilarious. None of the above will ever be as funny as Triumph. He may be a sock puppet, lo-tech, and you may even be able to see the guy's lips moving. But Triumph is still light years ahead of what Jeff Dunham calls comedy.



Along the same lines as Triumph, is (were) the equally lo-tech Sifl and Olly. Sifl and Olly were a featured show on MTV late at night. This was during the time when MTV still played some music videos, and had on funny shows like Bevis and Butthead. Not the bloody vagina-fest that it is now.



Jeff Dunham, take some notes. You suck. End of story.

Christmas is Coming

Every year on Christmas eve since I can remember I had been dragged by my parents to a Roman Catholic church in order to listen to the story of the birth of Jesus and why at this time of the year we need to promote good will toward men. We never went to church at any other time of the year other than Christmas eve, and never exhibited any praise or thanks to Jesus the day after while we were tearing apart our gifts and stuffing our faces with the Christmas feast. The priest explained to us that Jesus was born on exactly December 25th to a virgin mother who had an immaculate conception (ie God put his seed in her, and than convinced David to raise the kid). We listened to the story and believed his words because surely a priest wouldn't lie to us, than went to Chef Wong's for some of the best Chinese food ever. It wasn't until later in life that I began to question things like what does Santa, and decorating pine trees have to do with Jesus's birth? The priest didn't mention any of that when he was talking about people showering the baby born next to farm animals with gifts. But much like rabbits and Easter eggs I decided to just accept and enjoy it. But, without further ado, let's watch this video that will help us all take the "Christ" out of Chirstmas.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Favorite Video of Olde

Brian Posehn delivers a message. A message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning for those who do not. Metal By Numbers.

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It.

Your kitchen is turning against you. You should've done those dishes.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Your Mother was a Stupid Moron

This is an animation that was made using audio from a different, serious YouTube video.



Here's another one that will actually help answer the fat retarded man's questions.



These next two videos are by a guy who's so serious it's hard to believe it's satire.



Monday, November 2, 2009

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Halloween

Another Halloween has passed, thus marking the changing of seasons. I'm not talking about Fall either. Who gives a shit when that's really here or gone. I'm talking about cleavage season. It usually starts around mid to late April and ends abruptly the day after Halloween. Manufacturers know that eventually it will be too cold for the breasts to remain uncovered, so they give us men one last hullabaloo by making ALL females Halloween costumes slutty. You can literally think of any profession, or fairy tale and there is a slutty costume for it. Exhibit A:


Men on the other hand must either try and match their girlfriend, or throw together something all their own. Pirates, the Beer Fest guys, Scarface, etc. But me and a couple of guys from work who had to work this Saturday decided to pay tribute to one of the greatest zombie movies ever made:



Best. Work Day. Ever.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Riding on the Internet

The folks at Everything is Terrible have already let us know how moms can get on the net, but what about us kids? Well, on your mark. Get set. We're riding on the internet kids! For barbarian pornography.



Peter sure did know a lot about the internet...like where to find centaur porn and Conan the Barbarian erotic fan fiction. And the way he greeted Andrew let me know that he was hip and someone I could connect with. Connect with on the net! Hahahaha. Oh... this is terrible.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Bring Forth the Wrath of Cleansing Fire

If my disdain for the religious zealots of the world had not already been established than let me just make it clear right now that, and as horrible as it may sound, I firmly believe that there are some people in this world that deserve to die. And if you are a religious fundamentalist that constantly works towards instilling fear into people's hearts, slowing down the education and progression of humans, and placing blame for the world's tragedies because you believe your fairy-fucking-tale savior commands it of you, then I feel that the world would be better off if you just died. Some people might call that a little harsh but I see it as a win-win for everyone. We get rid of the brainwashed, loud mouth, oft-hypocritical, religious freaks, and they get the notion that just maybe they are being martyrs. And if they're being martyrs than inevitably they'll pick up a few followers. They can die too. I don't even want to try rehabilitation. The world's too populated, fuck 'em.
So what is it today that has me feeling such an infuriating rage for those among us that put their faith in god above all other rules? Well I was just moseying around the internet when I happened to find a youtube clip of a movie that I wanted to rent one time, but had forgotten about. Jesus Camp! And in said video I witnessed a pasty-white fat fuck that must have forgotten the gluttony was a sin tell children that Harry Potter was a tool of the devil. Small children. Here, watch


I am absolutely disgusted that this woman is still alive. Look at that fat fucking behemoth slob of a human being preach to children about sin. What the fuck made her so holy? It sure as hell wasn't the box of donuts she polished off before getting up on stage. And those kids faces. It's either an empty, blank stare or a scared-to-death glare. That poor kid at the end has to be the only intelligent person in that whole fucking building. I can't even imagine the verbal (and probably physical) reprimanding that he received from not only his parents, but other parents as well, and his peers. For being a free-thinker that child was probably ostracized from any friendships he might of had, and forced to read the bible again and again until he was certain that he felt jebus in his heart. I hope he grows up and assassinates that fat fucking preacher if she doesn't die of a heart attack first. Absolutely disgusting.
I also found this video, which made me feel all warm and toasty inside. Why? Because somewhere out there in the world, people aren't stupid. And some day, I will live amongst these people. And it will be a joyous time of intellectual growth. A boy can wish.

Friday, October 16, 2009

YouTube Poop

Occasionally even I enjoy schizophrenic mash-ups of youtube videos. This is what happens when the internet purges itself.



Although the original was never really that much better.


I seriously love that chainsaw guy.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It


The internet just became 23% more awesome.
http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

I can't even begin to describe it. There's just things in life that are so retarded that they become amazing. Sweet lemonade.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Fan-tastic

Georgia, home of Coca-Cola's headquarters, peaches, and probably some of the craziest college football fans ever. Well, namely one. This guy went through an entire interview speaking as if he were the Ultimate Warrior. He even explained how to get the best looking full body paint for those of you who might want to sport your team's colors at the next home game.



You can't tell me that this kid doesn't have a future in the WWE. Sure he could stand to hit the gym and bulk up...a lot. But damn does he not have that voice down. Please note exhibit A on the wooden video:

Sunday, October 4, 2009

The French

I've never been to France, but from what I hear it's a lovely place filled with self-important twats and some regular folk that fill out the country side. They love their food and wine, have some of the best cooking schools in the world, and yet manage to not be nearly as fat as us Americans.
Can't wait to pay for her health care!


But don't let them make you think they've never unleashed anything horrible on the world. Thankfully I was too young to have given a shit about this next video. But the internet is a ruthless place and brings forth an unfathomable amount of shitty media. Hence, France's very own: Jordy Lemoine.



Poor Jordy, like most child stars, was the victim of being exploited by his parents. Thankfully for him he didn't live in America where he would inevitably been raped by Michael Jackson.
Mmm, young AND Blond


He went into hiding for about 10 years after his parents couldn't milk anymore money out of him and eventually divorced. He has since made a comeback in the form of a shitty rock outfit called Jordy and the Dixies which likely only has a following with former Jordy fans and people who generally like watered down, un-original, alt-rock groups. And while Jordy may have grown up, France has not given up on releasing annoying ass songs sung by babies. The only exception here is that they substituted an exploitable real-life child with a never aging, CGI, Caucasian version of Dora the Explorer.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Not Even Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone...

The Anchorage Nanooks are some college ice hockey team in Alaska. Their symbol is a polar bear. Nothing too special there. But how about if that polar bear was the size of Godzilla, emerged from the co-explosions of Dubhe, Mizar, and the 5 other stars of the Ursa Major constellation via a jet pack (and likely some amount of forward momentum from the nebulae-fueled explosion) whilst carrying a hockey stick? How about if that bear used said hockey stick to pulverize a satellite? Oh, and it fucking destroys the moon, lands in Anchorage and proceeds to rape the landscape. The soundtrack is of course provided by Kenny Loggins, but will Danger Zone be lacking the necessary badassitry displayed when this bear emerges from the depths of space to annihilate whatever poor team decides to show up on the opponent's bench of his ice rink?



Hmm, I dunno. Maybe ONLY Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone can soundtrack that movie as I'm pretty sure nothing else would cut it. That bear, after all, did have a goddamn jet pack.

Coffee Shop Ramblings


What is it with people and their damn ringtones? I understand if you want to pick a song that you really like to be your ringtone, hell even I have that. What I don't understand is why they think everyone else around them want to hear it? On a relatively quiet day in the coffee shop I was startled when I heard the sound of a rooster crowing. This lady sitting across from me seemingly forgot to put her cellphone on vibrate, or hell even on a lower volume setting. But these things happen. What also usually happens is the person realizes that there is no reason for their phone to be so loud so they turn it on vibrate to be courteous. Not this bitch. Not only did she not bother to turn her phone down, she thought it was funny that people were startled by the loud rooster noise signifying her incoming text message. And she thought it was funny each subsequent time that the phone crowed obnoxiously. She'd pick up her phone with delight, look around the room to see who was looking at her, and then giggle. And then it donned on me. I had always wondered who was dumb enough to actually follow through with those Jamster commercials. The ones where you can get that annoying ass bear singing some lame-ass song. Or how about this rabbit?

Yeah, my hats off to you if you managed to make it through that whole video. Who would pay for things like this? This lady, that's who. Why? To annoy people like me. We had the opportunity folks. All we had to do is get together and reject this bullshit and Jamster would have went under. But noooo. Some of you assholes aren't getting it so now the Jamster et al commercials plague TV like pinkeye in a college dorm. Come on now people. I'd like to have faith in you, but you gotta feed me some rope here.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The End is Nigh


finally got a functioning mood music option. Like it?

Robots. You should immediately start sleeping with one eye open because robots are about 3 years away from completely going apeshit and killing all humans to complete their primary objective. When will mankind learn that giving inanimate objects human qualities is a bad thing. Hell, even us humans can barely control our emotions. Whether it be seeking vengeance, making a shitty emo-band, or I dunno...wanting to rape someone? Yeah, think about it. Robot-rape. It's not like you could stop it. Everyone should know by now that the only way to kill a robot is to push him into some molten metal.Have a look at what mankind is up to now. And start preparing for the apocalypse, cause the end is nigh.

This is exactly what I mean. These little things look cute don't they? Little squares beeping and booping and bumping into each other. Aren't they adorable? Until they start assembling them selves into a larger robot with their own will. Oh that's a great idea, give them the option of turning into an even bigger machine of death. They don't even need humans to control them like Voltron did!


Undulation, or slithering has to be one of the most involved forms of movement around. Not to mention creepy. Go figure when you team the freakishness of a snake's movement with a friggin' robot you end up pooping your pants.


But maybe you want your robot more functional. Well Big Dog is at the top of the list when it comes to maneuverability. If this thing can take a beating and walk over ice without falling over what chances do I have against it?

Maybe they'll think about putting in a battery operated motor instead of making the beast sound like a weed-whacker. Nevertheless if I saw that thing coming at me I'd probably curl up into the fetal position. That thing is about 150ft of height and a few blasters away from being a fucking ATAT


And if it wasn't enough that robots are mimicking animals, look at this video of a group that made a fucking cyborg beetle. Excuse me, a fucking remote controlled cyborg beetle. Yeah, they can tell it where to fly by controlling it's neural stimulation (ie it has a robot brain).



Even if the robots don't all revolt against us what the hell would we want with life-like robots? I for one do not want to live in the world of Exterminator City. And I know some of you are thinking about the sexual endeavors one could have with a sexy robot, but we're not even working on that (well, Japan is, but that's to be expected). Instead groups like DARPA are paying to have this shit made up, which is just fucking wonderful. I can honestly see no possible good from life-like robots roaming the planet. If anyone else knows about any crazy robots that are being made feel free to post links in the comments section.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Album Review: Deflorate


The Black Dahlia Murder, Detroit's resident melodic death metal band, have not let constant touring cut back on productivity. Only two years after releasing metal masterpiece, Nocturnal, and a non-stop touring schedule do we get their next offering: Deflorate. Another new album, and TBDM follow suit by getting another new band member (Miasma had new drummer Zach, Nocturnal had new bassist Bart and drummer Shannon, and now Deflorate has a new guitarist in Ryan Knight). The new album features 10 tracks, a running theme of their last 3 albums, that clock in at roughly 35 minutes. And while their albums have never been terribly long, and any fans of TBDM aren't expecting some 10 minute long death metal epic track, the whole experience of Deflorate seems very brief. Perhaps it's the fact that the songs all share a common tempo, but with the new high standards that Nocturnal created, most fans will likely be left feeling like there should be more.
The album artwork is, well, colorful for a death metal band. The whole insert is white, and features a futuristic alien city in the background and some large mother-like monster on her(?) throne turning some guys into statues.

What this being has to do with the album concept I dunno. I'm not even sure how the title deflorate fits into it as that's not really a word. When I think Deflorate I'm thinking about the taking of virginity. So maybe that's it. Or instead of virginity it's really just taking innocence. Again, what taking innocence has to do with the fat thing with fetuses (feti?) around her neck turning men into stone as red-robed monks chant...I dunno. But who cares really, metal album art hardly ever makes sense. So let's not question it, let's just enjoy it. There's a rumor around that it was inspired by Iron Maidan's PowerSlave album artwork, and if you look at the two together you get the feeling that the rumor is probably right. So, let's get to the music.
1. Black Valor: A song that is both lyrically and musically in the vein of at least one or two tracks off of Unhallowed and Nocturnal, Black Valor is about a satanic army of darkness that, of course, wants to kill Christians and the Christian's god. Nothing new in the terms of groundbreaking lyrics, but I'm not complaining. This song more than just sets the tempo to the rest of the album, it pretty much lets you know that the guitar sound is going to be somewhat over mixed together and in turn seem muffled in the background, while Trevor's voice takes the indomitable lead for the rest of the album. The song is technical, and of course melodic. A good pick for the opening track as it is quite a rocker, but not likely to be anyone's favorite track off of the album.

2. Necropolis: This song starts off with a blast, a few strums of the main riff, and then immediately goes into a frenzy of double picking and Trevor showcasing his well-honed vocals. One of my favorite parts is found in the first verse where he switches from his death metal grunt to his blackend screech mid sentence. And not to seem like I'm sucking his dick, but it's truly a testament to how talented he's become vocally. Lyrically the song seems to be about a man renouncing his faith because of a lack of evidence for his former God. Once again Trevor has written a very descriptive short story within his lyrics that really illustrates the a character (ie Elder Misanthropy, Deathmask Divine). Musically the song is catchy, but will surely create some of the largest pits in concert. And while the song doesn't include one of Ryan's best guitar solos, this is easily one of the best tracks on the album.

3.A Selection Unnatural: No rest for the wicked, A Selection Unnatural wastes no time getting right into the first verse. Here the band decides to shift the dial from melodic to brutal. Guitars shred through a technical flurry of chords and even Trevor favors his death metal grunts over-top of the once lead shriek (the first of many songs on this album). The solo is perfect. The addition of Ryan is very noticeable even if the solo is short. He really "Sweedished" the lead guitar sound of this band. Something I'm sure the other band mates (and die-hard Carcass and At the Gates fans) were more than happy to have. But boy is this song ever short. Even if it is almost 3 minutes long, the song just flies by in a frenzy of heavy. Lyrically the song is about a new born with some genetic mutations that make it more of a monster than a human. Trevor admits to having been influenced by a program or two on TV about such real life events. Additionally he wrote "It's mysteries will baffle modern medicine for centuries to come", which will likely be chanted by everyone in the audience when A Selection Unnatural get's played to a sea of fist pumping.

4.Denounced, Disgraced: Finally, a little bit of a tempo change. Well, not at first, but the song does breakdown temporarily two or three times through out as some key lyrics are chanted. The song's lyrics seem to be about a group of soldiers (think bronze age) having to kill their leader for betraying the kingdom. Once again Trevor does his mid-verse singing style change. This time a little more polished than on Necropolis. But what I want to talk about is the bass. Kudos to the producer for letting Bart's bass line shine! Sure there had been songs in the pass where the bass might have the chance to introduce the next riff, but in this song you can actually hear it playing with the guitars (where as most metal bands push the bass back so far in the mix you can barely tell if they're there). The solo is pretty good, nothing magical, but does feature some cool tapping. This song is a good example of how the guitars seem to be too meshed together and muffled. In my opinion it sounds like how they did on Miasma instead of how clean they were on Nocturnal. The song is good, but not really remember-able enough to be a real fan favorite.

5.Christ Deformed: Christ Deformed begins with a slower, more melodic riff, and than quickly abandons it so it can start thrashing. Lyrically the song is about raping the children of the Lord in order to convert them to Satanism.
"Hymen breached with a cross
Children of your lord
Semen peppers their faces
We seek to distort
Our kingdom shall come"
Absolutely fantastic. The song becomes a little forget-able towards the end (around the same time the song enters the lack-luster solo and than revisits the intro-riff), but it will definitely be one that fans revisit (if not just for the rousing lyrics of sodomy in the name of blasphemy).

6.Death Panorama: Another song that wastes no time getting into the verse, and certainly does not overstay it's welcome. This song is only a buck fifty in length, shorter if you cut out the ten seconds of feedback at the end. Melodic death metal in the guise of a grindcore song? Well, whatever you want to call it, the song is pretty good. It's fast, will only be remember-able because of it's lack of many parts, and features Shannon putting some authority into his double bass. Hell, they even made room for a solo in there. Lyrically the song seems to be about what it's like to have your life flash before your eyes when you die. Perhaps the brevity of the song is to further illustrate the "Not in chronology but so wildly all at once" lyrics that describe the Death Panorama. Or not

7.Throne of Lunacy: Hooray for HP Lovecraft! Where would metal lyricist be without your short stories and Cthulhu Mythos. This song reminds me of Morbid Angel. And it's not just the chants to the ancient ones or any of the other Lovecraft references. The favoring of the death metal grunts, a few of the chugging riffs, and even the solo to some extent (though it quickly goes back to melodic Swedish death metal). This is one of my favorite tracks on the album, though I'm not entirely sure why. Song writing is very similar to what we got on Nocturnal, and I don't think anyone's gonna complain about that, yet I think this track is likely to be one of the few on the album that will stand out.

8. Eyes of Thousand: This song sounds like it should have been on Miasma. The lyrical content (don't trust this woman because she's a succubus that'll "suck you dry"), the unwavering blast beats (not always a good thing), and the guitar parts are all reminiscent of that era of TBDM. Not that it's a bad thing, even if that was my least favorite album by them, it's just nothing new. Except for the really heavy part around the :20 mark (yes, even that far in the song's identity is clear), but sadly we don't ever hear from that part again.

9.That Which Erodes the Most Tender of Things: Another great track, and for one reason: discernible parts! Who doesn't love technical guitar parts or blitzkrieg riffs, but sometimes we also like to be able to tell the verse from the chorus from the refrain etc. Lyrically the song seems to be from a mothers point of view in which she had a still born child, but has spent some time treating it as a live baby because she's too sad to let it go. It's sort of the female version of Deathmask Divine. Musically I don't think anyone could complain about this song. It's everything you'd expect from TBDM.

10.I Will Return: What did you expect? Of course it's an epic! Apex, Miasma, Warborn, and now I Will Return. It starts off with a somewhat whimsical (but not in a gay way) slower lead guitar riff, but unlike Warborn it quickly goes into a melodeath rocker like Apex (not nearly as much of an anthem as Miasma though). Lyrics are about a rich guy who can afford to be cryogenically preserved so that he can live forever. CRYONICS! Finally a song that somewhat fits the futuristic look of the album art. Yet has nothing to do with a fat feti (I'm sticking with it at this point) infused necklace donning queen thing, but we can't have everything.

The album was also packaged with a 40 minute DVD titled "We're Going Places", which is largely just about the bands time in Russia (where the Majesty DVD left off). I haven't watched it yet, but I'm sure if I liked Majesty I'll enjoy this. Overall I have to say that the album is not going to be raved over like Nocturnal. It has it's moments, but there just isn't enough there to really make it equal to Nocturnal let alone better than it. Even though the songs are roughly the same running length as they've always been, the album just seems to be over before it began. I blame this largely on the lack of decipherable guitar riffs between songs, and not much in the creativity department from Shannon and his drumming either. That's exactly what was wrong with Miasma, save for a few tracks most of them could be interchanged for any other. At least this time there aren't retarded song titles (I'm looking at you Dave Goes to Hollywood). I've found that I enjoy the album more when I don't listen to it by itself, but instead when I play it along with the rest of TBDM's back catalog. The tracks just don't seem to mesh well on the album, but when you put your mp3 player on random you'll have no problem going from Funeral Thirst to Necropolis and back to A Vulgar Picture.
When I heard that the guys were coming out with a new album I half expected a result like this. It's the same thing that happened on Miasma. Write a great album, tour heavily, and then release another album to remain relevant and keep the record company happy. Well this time they released the well received Nocturnal, toured heavily, and in my opinion pulled this one out of the oven a little too soon. Sure they got a new guitar player, and undoubtedly they'll have to get use to writing together, but as I mentioned before this isn't the first time they've replaced a band member. Possibly it could be different because he was the lead guitar player, but I'm inclined to think that more than one member of the band plays a part in writing a song. So I'm sticking by the fact that they were touring and didn't have the ability to put forth the correct amount of concentration necessary to write a truly great album. In my opinion I think the band should finish up their touring (which seems to be well into next year) and than take a short break. I know it's tough because they are a metal band and they're not exactly raking in the big bucks, but I think in order for their next album to really wow anyone it'll have to introduce some new ideas. Not that they should change their style at all, but maybe not parade their two main musical influences so much (Carcass and At The Gates). But even with the negative aspects of the album there is a lot of good on it. I greatly enjoy the skill Trevor has found in his singing, I like how Bart's bass is being mixed a little bit louder because it can definitely stand on it's own, Shannon's drumming is still tight as fuck, and Ryan's solos and guitar skill are exactly what the band needed to push them a little bit further in the songwriting realm (although it didn't really stand out on this album I'm sure it will next time around).

Album art I give an 8/10. It was cool, but it looked like a colorful version of what was featured on the Nocturnal album. Just replace the church with the fat thing and boom. Hell, it's even in the same perspective. I'm not sure exactly what it was about the album that inspired the artist to draw this cover, but it was very well done. And I highly doubt that anyone is going to give TBDM a hard time for having a white cover. It's still not as unsettling as Immortal's Battles in the North.

Muscially I give the album a 6/10. It was good, and some songs were really technical, or featured the infectious melodies that they're known for. But overall I think most of the songwriting feel flat. Shannon seemed to be uninspired on some songs, often opting for just blasting away. The guitars seemed to be mushed together instead of being a harmonizing beast like it was on Nocturnal. I'm not sure why because the albums were produced by the same person. The bass was louder and I think that's great, but so was Trevor's voice which I feel should be put back within the music instead of on top of it. The solos were hit or miss, but were still more technical than they ever were before. The fact that Ryan is proficient in finger tapping is noticeable because on previous albums it sounded like every note of the solo was being picked, and that kind of took away from it's flow.

Overall that gives the album a 14/20 - 7/10. Fans of TBDM will surely want to pick the album up, and even people who have never heard them before will find certain tracks that they really like. It will remain in the shadow of Nocturnal (no pun intended), but I would even place Unhallowed above this effort. The album isn't bad, so don't take my review wrong. They are still one of my favorite metal bands, and I look forward to seeing them play these songs this winter. Metal and winter, is there no better marriage?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Triumphant Ballad About Anal

Sure it's an easy topic to make jokes about, but how many people go so far as to include a 3 piece string accompaniment, Scott Baio, and a music video with a seemingly high video production budget for their funny song about accidentally poking a girl in her brown eye with a stick? This mother fucker apparently.

Monday, September 21, 2009

If you tell anybody. About our little secret. I'll kill your dog.

Stranger danger. A wonderful PSA educating kids about how everyone is out to rape them. How they got these actors to say some of these lines and keep a straight face is beyond me. Hell, they don't even want kids to help old ladies with heavy bags. I don't remember running into any of these types of people when I was little. But if someone showed me this video when I was 8, I'd fucking never go outside.



I dunno, I think I'd be alright if that blond wanted me to go back to her car with her. Either I get to check out some older lady's titties, or we get to play with her sweet GameBoy. But if any kid actually needs a video to tell them to run away from that goofy ass looking guy who was "famous", than they are already lost. Him and his poofy hair and big black shades just scream pedophile. I'm just hoping that I wasn't the only kid who didn't have a secret word that they shared with their mom to let them know when it really was them that was sending a message. I mean, what the hell was that? Like anyone could remember some stupid secret word after they had just been in a traumatizing, life threatening car accident. I'm inclined to thinking that you'd probably forget that little failsafe when you took a windshield to the face. But give it up for the child rapists, they sure are creative!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ann Interviews Marduk

I don't know much about Scrapple.TV, but they have some of the nicest interviewers ever. How nice? Little old lady nice. I'm not even kidding. Ann Bailey has to be in her 60's, and she got the opportunity to interview what is probably one of the most blasphemous black metal, nay, any type of metal band. How blasphemous are they? I mean come on, there are so many bands out there that say "satan this" and "God's dead" that, but how many of them have a song called Christraping Black Metal or Jesus Christ Sodomized? Well those are only a few of the gems Marduk have up their sleeve, er spiked gaunlet. Check out the interview cause it goes from Marduk asking the audience to join the band with Satan (followed by a gnarly scream) to Ann giving him a poem she wrote, to her giving him dining tips (they were in Philly, so naturally she tells them to go for some cheese steaks). Watch it you fucking fucks!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ask Propecia

Not since Paul Mooney did the Negrodamus skit on Chappelle's show have I seen a black person give such relevant insight into people's lives. Oh, and she is a crack head.

Coffee Shop Ramblings


A new feature. And maybe one that I'll do more than once. Coffee shop Ramblings. Here I am, a commuting college student. There's no way I'm driving an hour home after just getting up here an hour ago so that I can drive an hour back here to go to work 5 hours from now. Fuck that. So that leaves me here. In this fucking shitty university coffee shop. It's got a Starbucks, some Apple computers to get on, a stage that is never used, a pool table, and it's newest feature: construction next door. Each ramble I plan on attaching a cell phone camera taken picture, and a lengthy diatribe in which I'll continue to hate everyone around me.

Last week I showed you what very well may have been Chris Chandler's brother. Today, I plan on talking about this annoying fucking douchebag playing pool with this clearly gay kid. This kid doesn't shut the fuck up. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's being funny saying things in weird voices and bouncing around the table, but he's fucking annoying. He's doing his best to impress this girl that obviously came with the gay kid. She's not really into pool, and you can tell by the glazed look on her face that she knows she's destined to end up with a tool like this kid because she chose to go to this craptacular state school. And how is he trying to impress her? Pretending he's some phenomenal pool shark, and making many, many references to his balls like it's some hilarious innuendo because they're called "pool balls". That'll work. If there's one thing women like it's when you talk about your balls, and make gestures about them. Oh, and how did Shallow Gene-Pool-Shark Hal get here? By riding on his fucking Razor scooter. I'm not kidding. Who even rides fucking Razor scooters that isn't in 2nd grade or some faggy hipster trying to be ironic. I remember when people thought that these scooters were the shit. My grandma bought all of her grandchildren one. The problem was that the age span between all the grandchildren was like 5-20. I told my grandma this shit was lame, and then I tried to do a handle-bar spin while I made a jump off the curb. And if this other kid isn't a gay than I don't know what is. He's wearing a fucking pink polo, and what looks like some type of moccasin/loafer thing. Like some metro-sexual fucking native American named Arrow That Shoots Both Ways crafted these shoes while on peyote induced vision quest that he took back when he thought that he might go to community college for interior design. Soundtrack by Tangerine Dream.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jennifer



Fresh from her role as the woman in my dreams that rides up to me on a tiger, topless, sword in hand like a scene straight out of Heavy Metal, Megan fucking Fox stars in a new movie called Jennifer's Body. I don't have the scoop on the movie, I didn't see a premiere, I don't even know when it comes out, and I'm pretty sure that the scene where you might see her tits got cut out in production, BUT what I do know (although completely unrelated to Megan Fox) is that the trailer and title of the this movie reminds me of something I've heard before. So I checked out the premise of the movie and it's pretty much about her becoming possessed by a demon and then either killing or sexing or sexily killing a bunch of people, especially all the boys that want to be sexily killed by her. Hmm. Where have I heard about a girl named Jenifer that was sexily killing people and acting a fool, er, demon. Oh that's right! It was probably on Pig Destroyer's Prowler in the Yard album, where the first song (aptly titled Jennifer) and end of the last song (Piss Angel) tell a tale of a gal named Jennifer who is doing some crazy sexy demon killing stuff. Let's have a listen.




Hmm. Well when the movie comes out, and I don't watch it, I'll be waiting for people to talk about the scene where Megan Fox licks the eyeballs of another girl. JR Hayes should be getting some credit from the writers of this movie. Of course, if the movie sucks than I'll completely disconnect it from having anything to do with Pig Destroyer.

This is disgusting, it's pornography.

No, No, No. This is beautiful. This is art.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shit You Should Be Listening To

30 seconds to mars, Yellow Card, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Finger Eleven. All gay. Don't listen to that shit. You're much better off taking my suggestions. Unfortunately the band that I'm gonna recommend today is no longer with us, but it doesn't change the fact that the only full length they released before breaking up was one of the best indie rock albums to come out in the 2000's. "New" Terror Class, who were formally Harriet The Spy before breaking up after releasing their one full length and a rough touring schedule (including many many basements), put out "Did You Hear That We Fucked?" which continued where Harriet The Spy left off. I looked around on youtube to see if anyone had posted a song or two by "New" Terror Class, but there was nothing. Hell, there's barely anything up by Harriet The Spy. But if you're into indie rock along the likes of The Jesus Lizard, Tomahawk, The Sounds, or anything like that then you'll probably love Harriet the Spy and "New" Terror Class. I decided to post one of "New" Terror Class's songs that I like, I Believe it's On, which is pretty much just making fun of the people who would of liked "You Got Served" and those who actually live that kind of retarded life style even though the movie was released in 2004 and the album was released in 2001. "New" Terror Class took being a smart-ass to a new level.

Fixed it...

I now have the internet. On my new laptop. Fuck is it ever fast. That is all.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Update on Possible CWC Sibling

So I did one of those hold the phone up to your ear and take the picture moves, and I was able to get a few snaps of the guy. Of course because I was unable to actually aim the camera only one of them came through with any bit of clarity. Even then, this picture is blurry. But I figured it was better blurry, cause it's like a big foot picture. Or you can think like Mitch Hedberg and just think that the guy is blurry in real life, which is of course scarier.


So here's the snapshot of the guy. I gotta do this quickly because he's still sitting next to me and I don't want him to see that I took a photo of him and then he'll go into some type of retard rage and use his retard strength to retard rape me. Nope, definitely gonna wanna avoid that.




The picture doesn't really do him justice, but
Yes those are rapist glasses
Yes his hair is greasy
Yes he's wearing a striped collared shirt just like CWC
No he has no pendant (that's visible)
No he doesn't have a sign sitting in front of him asking for a boyfriend-free galpal
And no, I'm not sure if he indeed CAN feel the cosmos, and frankly I'm afraid to ask.

But I mean come on. Look at the two pictures next to each other. They're like twins. And if there is indeed more than one Christian Weston Chandler in the universe, than I no longer want to live.

Different Strokes



Here's a great link that strives to finally tell the differences between white people and black people. It's funny, and true. Click here to see the flash animation that will finally tell you how it really is.

The Internet, Life, and I

Way too long since I posted last. My bad. I got a new laptop (a Toshiba Satellite L505 from Best Buy for $561 after taxes, so far I'd highly recommend it) and for some reason I can't just unplug the Ethernet cable from my old laptop and plug it into my new one. Go figure. The reason I had to get a new one is because my old computer is entirely too slow. It'd take me hours to just do one post because my computer literally would go to a screeching halt if I had too many windows open at once. Twas a good laptop at one time, but oh how quickly they become obsolete and riddled with spyware/viruses from your favorite porn sites. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to get a router, which of course will cost money. Since I just dropped 500+ on this laptop it might be a little till I actually buy the router. I could call Comcast about it, but they're mostly incompetent and I really don't like dealing with people that I can't understand. So, for now, I'll be updating probably no more than every Monday, and Wednesday when I can get free wireless internet connection from my shitty college's shitty coffee shop. What's worse is I don't like coffee, and if you couldn't already guess it, I really hate the people that you find in coffee shops. Sometimes I just want a normal fucking bagel with cream cheese that will inevitably give me the breakfast shits, yet I have to wait 15 minutes for it because Sally took orders from every fuck person in her office and none of them ordered anything that can't be said one sentence. Assholes. Plus, right now I'm sitting next to a kid that could very well be the brother of Christian Weston Chandler

I don't think I'll be able to get a picture of him without him noticing, but I'll probably try. Whose idea was it to make your phone make that "taking a picture" noise when you click the button anyway? It's a fucking phone, there's not an ol' timey lens on it that has to shut, there's no film in it...why the fuck does it have to make that noise? Now everyone can tell when you're trying to take a picture of them. I don't need that kind of pressure from the multitude of freaks that I take pictures of everyday.
Well, let me get started on updating this fucking shitty blog. The belly of the beast has been empty for far too long.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

What You Thought Was Wrong: Subpost

I'm not really going to spout off a lengthy diatribe this post. I just wanted to say that you may have found a girl. Her name may be J'Koko. But if you thought singing this horribly written song would win her over Roy-Ale, than what you thought was wrong.



Dogs wouldn't fuck to this song. That is all. (I'll have a longer post tomorrow. Whether you like it or not.)

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

What You Thought Was Wrong

Tonight I'd like to start a likely week-long series of posts under the headline of what you thought was wrong.
What does that mean? What will it entail? Who are you talking about?

Well shut the fuck up and you might learn something bitch.
All this week, I will be making posts that literally tear away at the very ideas that some people hold near and dear to their hearts. Why? Not only am I an asshole, but I'm an asshole that has many educated opinions. And I'm not saying that I'm right cause I'm a college student. That would be beyond douchebaggery. I'm just saying that what you thought was right, is actually wrong.

Gee, where should I start? Oh, I know! Creationism. Let's watch a wonderful little film about the Creationism Museum in Cincinnati Ohio!


Those poor kids don't even stand a chance. Damn the school systems for teaching us to think like evolutionist (a made up word that tries to tie science and the theories of evolution all together as if they were in themselves some form of practiced religion; it's a bit of a tactic creationist use to try and level the playing field because, well, they don't have a fucking clue what they're talking about). How dare the science teachers tell use that in order to find out the answers we must experiment and research the topic. Why would we want them to know that?



And does anyone else find it disturbing that the education these kids are getting from their homeschool homemade brainwashing is treated as being the equivalent of what all us normal thinking people receive? All those fuckers have to do is write "God did/said/made/wanted it" on their tests and they'd get an "A" in class. That's just utter bullshit. I sincerely hope no college takes these kids in because of how well they did in homeschool. Or don't weigh their experience any higher than that of a non-religious fundamentalist education. The college should be able to know that these kids learned about science by going to that fucking museum and instantly know they are dealing with poor little brainwashed dipshits. Yes, dipshits. They are literally making those kids stupider. And I'm not entirely sure how their brains don't just automatically shut off when they are told that dinosaurs used to live with fucking humans. The kids of course never had an opportunity to learn anything else otherwise, but the parents are different. As an adult, you should know how to filter information appropriately, and when someone tells you that your ancestors used to hang out with dinosaurs like they were the fucking Flintstones, your brain should just send a painful signal to all of your nerves as a means of saying NO. It's unbelievable that in this day and age, with the technological breakthroughs and discoveries we've made, that anyone who isn't mentally disabled would think that way. That they'd look at an accredited science book, written by people who've dedicated their lives to nothing more than passing on information gathered from decades of science, that says "dinosaurs came before humans and here's how we know this" and think their wrong. Then they listen to those assholes at the museum say the Earth is 10 thousand years old and dinosaurs roamed the Earth with humans and we know this cause God is wonderful, and they think to themselves "Now this is a theory I can accept".

Creationist. Substantiate your claims with evidence gathered using a specified methodology and I'll consider your argument. Oh wait, you can't because reading the Bible is not the same as doing science. I guess you need to just shut the fuck up because what you thought was wrong.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Who The Fuck Are You? Pt II

Not too long ago some asshole asked me what I think of Asher Roth. Fuck him was my initial thought, but then I asked myself who the fuck Asher Roth is. I asked myself because I was the asshole who asked myself what I thought of Asher Roth when I heard about 5 seconds of his incredibly shitty rap song "I Love College" and my day went from dog shit to dog shit during heat wave. Most of my friends don't really ask me what I think about certain songs anymore anyway because they know my response is likely to be Fuck You Fuck Them Fuck That Yaknowhadimean?

If you don't know who the fuck Asher Roth is than just stop reading. Consider yourself lucky. And go look at the Belly archives for my recommendations of shit you should be listening to. If you wanna know who he is, or if you know who he is and just want a refreshment as to why I feel like I should hit him on the side of his head with the corpse of a rotting porcupine, than click here. I don't even want to embed that shit onto my blog, even if the embed function wasn't disabled on youtube. Fuck that. I don't ever want to hear more than 10 seconds of that song again. I tried to watch the whole video, so I could gain an understanding as to why someone would like that shit. I tried to watch the whole video so that I could find different aspects of Asher Roth that I particularly hate. But I couldn't. He just blows burrow boner.

I mean look at this fucking waste of life. How many dickfaces are going to wear the Animal House "College" shirt before it publicly becomes unpopular? I wasn't even born when the movie came out and I already think that shit is lame and played out. And I don't even give a shit about the controversy of the song where he talks about getting girls naked or some shit. You know what? For every dumb, drunk, guy at any given college, there's a dumb, drunk female that he's trying to get naked at any given moment. It's a guarantee. Men want to have sex with many women to display their manliness, and there's plenty of women in well established cliques that (usually subconsciously) try to one up each other by having the most amount of men attracted to them. Sometimes with no remorse or respect for themselves (read: whoring themselves out by getting naked at any and all parties). This isn't news. It's been going on since college was invented. When the group of people that got together to think of a higher education granting establishment in which people could become more knowledgeable within a certain field, that same fucking day, they came up with the ratio of naked women to cheering men. And it was good. That's the fucking story. So don't go "aww" when someone says they like to go to college parties and get girls naked. They generally have no respect for those women who have no respect for themselves. But it's natural. Women get naked, and guys do stupid things like light their pants on fire or try to headbutt through their roommate's door to see if he's having sex in there. But what the fuck am I talking about? This entry's about that asshole Asher Roth. Just look at him. I only need to see that picture to know that his music sucks raw and rabid wildebeest cock.
And he was signed by Eminem. Like that hack knows anything about fucking talent. That guy couldn't wrap a present. Ah thank you very much.
I actually heard the name Asher Roth before I even heard his song. And I knew that he would piss me off. His name is Asher. Who the fuck names their kid Asher? When the one parent said to the other "Let's name our kid Asher", the other parent should of been like "Uhh, let's have a fucking abortion. I can't do that to the world. I can't bring a kid into the world named Asher. He'll immediately have some type of unwarranted self-entitlement with a name like that and I just know he'll go on and make shitty music."
I don't even care that the fucker wants to rap. I don't care about the "act your own race" shit. Just have some ounce of fucking talent you genital wart. But yeah, at first I thought Asher Roth was Kevin Rudolf. I saw Kevin Rudolf perform on some nighttime talk show and I thought to myself "Surely this must be the asshole named Asher". I didn't know cause I don't listen to the radio much anymore. I tried it the other day, and then fucking Lady Gaga came on and I freaked out and drove up on the sidewalk and hit a lady pushing a stroller. Kevin Rudolf, if you don't know, is some other cocksucker that does that song "Let it Rock". For some reason or another Lil Wayne is featured all through out the music video, which you can see if you click here. Yeah it's another major music label that wants people to watch the music videos but doesn't want people to embed them anywhere. Like that makes any fucking sense. So you can imagine the look on my face when I found out that Kevin Rudolf was indeed NOT Asher Roth. Fuck me. You mean there's two assholes making shitty music like this? Actually I wasn't that surprised. I was more disappointed than anything. I was also disappointed to see Lil' Wayne in the video. What the fuck is Weezy doing with that shitty white guy singing a faggy rock/dance song? Did Lil' Wayne just throw up some horns? Does he think he's being "metal". Fuck. Well I've lost respect for him. And if either Asher Roth or Kevin Rudolf make a guest appearance on The Carter 8 or 9 or whatever number he's up to than I will have lost all respect from him and crown him whiter than Snow. This Snow from the 90's:


Look, white boys. If you're gonna rap that's fine. But you have to work at it. You can't just get on a mic and expect that you're awesome. You have no street cred. Even if you grew up in Detroit and had to kill a man once on the way to school, you will never be seen as a gangster. Black guys, they can name themselves what ever fucked up vowel-less name they want to and rap about their crabs. It doesn't matter. You can't. If you need an example, look no further than other noted Canadian rapping talent, Chuggo.



I put mayonnaise on everything, that's how I eat.

Now THAT'S real-talk. You think Chuggo would rap about college? Even if he had gone to college, Chuggo would immediately know that rapping about college is lame. Asher Roth. Come on fucking guy. Who the fuck are you?