The Sham-Wow Blows

I'm sure it's not ground breaking news. In fact, I'm sure it's not news at all. Surely by now people have bought Sham-Wows, tried them out, and either went somewhere online to complain about the product, or just made a video and posted it to youtube. I considered doing the latter, but I only have a digital camera, and I think it would look really shitty if I made a video cause it'd be all shaky seeing as how I don't have a tripod and shit. I also actually did look on youtube and it turns out 3 million other people have also bought the Sham-Wow, used it, and made a video about it being shitty.

So instead, I'm just gonna talk about how shitty the Sham-Wow is. Well, I guess I should be completely honest. I don't actually think I have a genuine Sham-Wow. I got it for Christmas from my dad so I don't really know the origins of the nacho yellow cloth, it doesn't say Sham-Wow on it like the commercial shows, but I guess my dad did heed the one bit of Vince's information cause the cloth does say clearly on it that it was made in Germany. And we all know the German's make good things... If you don't have a Sham-Wow, or one of it's imitators, let me describe it for you. It's a large piece of yellowish orange cloth that feels like felt. It may very well just be a large piece of yellowish orange felt. That's it. So let me continue.

So pretty much I've just been waiting for an opportunity to use the Sham-Wow. I mean, when you don't have one it seems like every fucking cup you have is falling over onto the floor. Yet once I actually got the Sham-Wow it took till March till an accident actually occurred. Weird. Maybe they should use that as the marketing ploy cause the thing didn't absorb shit.

What happened was I was topping off the water in one of my fish tanks, and for some reason or another I tipped the bucket too far and instead of flowing out the nice indented area, the water instead just poured all over the place. Normally I would be pissed off cause I'd have to go to the kitchen and use up like 50 paper towels cause I'm in college and we buy the cheap ones. But this time I was like FUCK YES! I immediately reached for the Sham-Wow. Well, I didn't reach for it, I don't just carry it around with me so it's always on hand, but you know what I mean. I remembered back to the commercial when Vince showed me in real time that he just laid the Sham-Wow on the carpet, and with minimal pressure he soaked up 50% of the liquid. So without hesitation I placed the Sham-Wow upon the soaked carpet, applied a bit of pressure, rolled it up sushi style just like Vince, and then tried to wring the Sham-Wow over the bucket. Nothing came out. I put it back on the carpet and felt a bit of disappointment in knowing that Vince's real time application of the product was a hoax. This time I applied a lot of pressure to the Sham-Wow, and I even rubbed it back and forth. I squeezed it over the bucket and I'd say about an 1/8th of a cup of water came out. I had spilt at least 2 cups of water. After multiple applications, carpet beatings, and 5 minutes later I finally got the carpet some-what dry. At this point I pretty much said fuck it and let the carpet air dry on it's own.

The Sham-Wow was exactly that. A sham. How did I not see this coming? I mean, there was always that cynical part of me that figured it wasn't going to work because nothing is as good as it seems when shown on an infomercial.
That, and if this was a product that even Billy Mays didn't endorse, what the fuck was it doing in my possession? But there was another part of me, my dumbass side I guess, that wanted to believe in the Sham-Wow and all it's absorbical magic.

I've yet to use the Sham-Wow as a towel for myself because I can't wrap it around my body and I don't think my room mates want to see me hopping out of the bathroom with nothing but a small yellow cloth covering my junk. I haven't really given my car a good washing all winter because of the fear of salt ruing my work, so I haven't had the chance to try and dry my car with it. I don't have a dog or cat so there's no piss to soak up, and no fur to be dried either. I thought about putting the Sham-Wow through a rigorous test, but after watching others do so on Youtube I figured fuck it, why waste my time. It fails in all categories. Vince Offer lied to me. Yeah, his name is Vince Offer. And the Sham-Wow isn't his big debut on TV either.

Vince offer has quite a history actually. Ever hear of the "Underground Comedy Movie"? If you've seen it I'm sorry for you. If you haven't than check this clip out.



Well whadaya know? It's Vince Offer, the Sham-Wow guy, singing a parody of I Love LA which was originally sung by Randy Newman. That asshole who puts the most ridiculous lyrics over-top simple piano melodies and markets them to Pixar. Remember Toy Story and that song You've Got a Friend in Me that left you wondering if they let some dude with downs syndrom get up on a mic and spit a few lines about his relationship with his stuffed animal? Or maybe you're more familiar with his earlier work, like the wonderfully written and inspiring song Short People?



I love that song. Well anyway, back to Vince Offer. So he made the flick, The Underground Comedy, which I dunno what the fuck it was about but I remember the commercial talking about models taking dumps and I think it had Joey Buttafuoco too. Probably playing himself. Needless to say the movie tanked. Apparently reviews like
"May be the least amusing comedy ever made," didn't help the movie's sales at all. So, what did Vince Offer do? What anyone in his situation would do, sue people. He apparently tried suing the Farrely brothers over "stolen content" that was featured in their movie "There's Something About Mary".
He also tried suing Anna Nicole Smith for not being in his movie even though she apparently agreed to. Mrs. Smith didn't want to be in his film cause...wait for it... she was afraid it would ruin her career.

He also was essentially kicked out of Scientology because his movie was so shitty, THEY didn't want to be associated with him. That's right. A group of money hungry, brain washing, family destroying, people killing, internet censoring, Tom Cruise fucking, followers of a bad science fiction writer who seemed to suffer from schizophrenia didn't want to be associated with HIM.

Since he didn't get any money out of that, and he pretty much made 0 money back on his movie, he had to tap into what would make him money. He made a commercial for his movie, and found some success. Ok, now he knew commercials were the metaphoric wave of his future. But what to sell? He thought back to when he worked at a flea market apparently, and then pulled the Sham-Wow out of his ass. He also found the Slap-Chop up there too. Undoubtedly the Slap-Chop is a piece of shit as well, but until I actually get to use one I'll save any commentary for that.

So to sum it up. I was gifted a shitty towel-like cloth that looks and feels like a shitty piece of felt. It does a shitty job at performing the only fucking job it was made for, absorbing shit, but it shouldn't come as a surprise because it was marketed by a shitty film maker and comedian. Sham-Wow. I dunno, these things just sell themselves.