Public Access TV pt. 2

As a follow up to the Public Access TV piece I did, I'd just like to post some extra information on the videos I linked. No don't worry, no more Sondra Prill. Instead let me reintroduce you to Jan Terri who graced us with her angelic voice on I Don't Wanna Lose You. She seemingly has her own "record company" called, what else, JT Records. It's a justifiable move, I mean, who the fuck else would put out her shit? She's so bad The Shaggs wouldn't listen to her.


Space suits, now complete with fanny packs.

And because I know the question burning in your heart is "Who was that Frank N Furter meets Freddie Mercury looking fuck who was singing about a gold day homage? Cause that shits been in my head all day!"
Fret not little one, after a little research I found out that the keytar donning musical manifestation of the 90's was named BB Boris. And here, for the pleasure of all of your senses, is the FULL music video for Frenchmen BB Boris' Magnum Opus, Cold Day on Mars -- Yes, the answer we were looking for was 'cold day on Mars'.



Apparently space travel captured the hearts of many public access TV musical icons. Who'd of known? COLD DAY ON MAAAAAAAARRSS!

God + Youtube =

Godtube. Well, it used to be godtube.com, but somewhere along the line (you can already tell I don't follow the site) it changed it's name to tangle.com. Far be it from me to tell you what religion to follow or not to follow, as frankly I could give less of a shit. And I'm not about to go off on any religion. Just the fundamentalist.

Tangle.com is essentially the answer to "what would Jesus google", everything from cutesy videos of toddlers singing Jesus jingles to the new Christian rock band music video...wait that's not much of a leap. Uh, everything from the new Christian rock band music video to preachers trying to "rap" with today's youth about important jebus-related topics.
They even got this little devil

Ah kids. They really do say the darnedest things about damnation in hell.

Speaking of hell, how's this video for a disturbingly sinister way to influence kids to get their friends to follow the bible?


That Zack. He always was an asshole.

But those videos are...relatively harmless. Maybe I just find them funny because I'm outside of the religion. The videos that really make me smile are the ones that denounce evolution, or other accepted theories in science. Because there's nothing like a person who has no grasp on science trying to explain uhhhh science.



This guy, who from what I can gather from his psycho babblings, either doesn't have his GED or just made it through school because he lived in Kansas and writing "because Jesus said/did/made it so" is an acceptable answer there.

I was gonna spend time putting my biology oriented college learning into practice as I picked apart his arguments like a hungry vulture over a rotting deer carcass, but then I started to research what the fuck he could be basing his arguments on. Then it became clear to me. He's quoting noted fabricator of the creationist argument Mr. Duane Gish. Mr. Gish is one of those lovely fundamentalist Christians, you know, the crazy type. And aside from his very credited learning, he is also well known for willingly debating any and all takers about creationism. So, instead of going into some boring dissertation I'll just link this article which essentially dissects Mr. Gish's arguments and then defecates upon them.

But do make sure you check out some other wonderful Chatting with Charley videos because I can't just keep this guy's false sense of reality all to myself. Here's some more of my favorites.





Oh, the misinformation is just killing me.

Edit: I finally found the video that I was looking for when writing this entry. Very interesting series where well accredited scientist explain the evolution vs creation issue.

Public Access TV: Where Music Goes to Die

Public Access TV. For some, it's simply a means to explore their journalistic side, for others it's to promote their ideals, and yet for others it is a means to finally make it big musically. And by make it big I mean look like a complete dumbass. Look. There's a reason nobody comes to see you when you get that gig at the bar. There's a reason you don't have a record deal, not even an indie one. And it's not just because you haven't been discovered yet. It's cause you fucking suck.

Evidence:

Ah, Goth night. Because Good Morning Goths wasn't dark enough.



Seriously, at the 2:00 mark, who the fuck are they waiving at? The camera pans out and there's nobody fucking there. She's so fat I can't even tell if she's rhyming.



Rest in Peace: My Boner. I mean holy fucking cat rape that woman is awful. So, here's so more of Sondra Prill



I feel bad for the guy at the beginning cause I think those sunglasses ate his fucking nose. I'm not sure which version of that video I like better, but I chose awkward fat dude over quality.



Now hold on. Let me clarify who I'm saying sucks here. Mark Gormley kicks ass, there's no question about that. Sure he looks socially awkward, and no I don't know why he chose to release his music that he made in the 70's now. I'm talking about that twat waffle in the beginning. The "Space Happy Phil Thomas Katt". Who the fuck does that guy think he is. Fuck him. The video he made for Mark was shitty at best. I know Mark would have wanted a hotter babe than that Russian mail order bride you got him. What an asshole. And don't you dare try to ride Mark's wave of fame you fat fuck.



Look at that Hurdy Gurdy churning mother fucker. Who the fuck would record that for more than 15 seconds without yelling at that old ass to get the fuck out from in front of all cameras?

I don't really think I need to post anymore evidence. It should be frighteningly obvious that Public Access TV is where music goes to die. This video however, it should be played non-stop on at least 2 channels.


"I love a red haired dog, I love a blond haired dog, and a salacious barking brunette." That has to be one of the most fucked up things I've ever watched.

Spase Peepole.

I dunno. I really have no idea what this is about. But if you're not laughing, well fuck you. Cause I can't stop.

Movies to...watch?

Exterminator City. The premise of this movie? Uhh...it's the future, some robots known as exterminators, but definitely aren't Terminators, are running amok. One of them is evil and is killing lots of women (played by pornstars). There's a wicked robot sword fight. And... early 90's era special effects reminiscent of what you'd find in Beetlejuice. Here, just watch this. Oh and it is VERY NOT SAFE FOR WORK. THERE ARE SCENES WITH BIG 'OL TITTIES. LOTS OF THEM. I normally wouldn't post something if I thought it was pornography, but this...this is art.



Pretty bad ass huh? Oh and, you better BELIEVE I Netflixed the shit out of this! A review will come in due time. I bumped that shit to the top of my queue. So it's only a matter of time.

What the Fuck?

Try fucking to this.

Hope you didn't watch the whole video. If you did you're probably sterile now. I couldn't even take all 5 minutes of this shit. Guy looks like the end result of William Hung fucking Cedric Yarbrough (you know...Jonesy from Reno 911).

The Joys of Live TV

Ah yes, Live TV. Pure unscripted debauchery. For only on live TV do we have the proper lighting and camera work to see people hurt themselves, embarrass themselves, or expose themselves. And aside from the hilarity of the actual event, there's the look on the newscaster's face when they have to go "back to them in the studio". I mean, is there any proper way to move from a guy doing the nasty behind the live reporter's back to "whose up for adoption" at the local shelter? Well I've yet to see it. And that's why I like this video.

Here a poor young woman was overcome with anxiety during a live interview and she fainted. Sure she fainted face first to the ground, but that's not the funny part. Check out the other interviewee when the girl passes out. For some reason the camera stays on him, and his lack of expression is priceless.



You can almost see the wheels turning in his head, "Oooh, she's passed out. Should I rape her now? Ahh, tsss, damn cameras right on me. Shoooooot. No, no, no, don't wake her up. Just go back to the studio, interviews over. Yeah, leave her with me. Whoop, cameras still rolling, better knell down and act like I'm helping. Maybe...feel her thigh a little bit. Yeaaaah."

Ahem...yeah I dunno why I let that go on for so long.

PETA: Not Just For Animal Lovers Anymore

Recently I came across a website called PetaKillsAnimals.com which is apparently dedicated to the outing of PETA's hypocrisy. I've never been a sympathizer for PETA being that I thoroughly enjoy eating meat, hunting, and fishing, but this website is much more than just a bunch of people who like to eat meat getting together to think of funny alternatives to the PETA acronym.

The very first article I saw was one of the most shocking things I've read in a while. PETA has their own adoption program apparently, where just like any other agency they take in the animals, shelter them, and work to find them homes. The only problem is the multi-million dollar animal activist mustn't put as much effort (read money) into advertising their animals for adoption as they are at advertising their group.

Exhibit A


That was the ad PETA paid for to run during the Super Bowl, but was banned by NBC for being too racy (ie they thought people would start fucking pumpkins and ruin Halloween for everyone). While the ad in itself must have been relatively expensive to film and edit, to actually have it run in a large enough block during the Super Bowl would have cost them even more (assuming the models were paid in asparagus).

But PetaKillsAnimals.com has this to say about how much they fail at actually helping animals, instead of just being the en vogue organization:

Animal lovers worldwide now have access to more than a decade’s worth of proof that People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) kills thousands of defenseless pets at its Norfolk, Virginia headquarters. Since 1998, PETA has opted to “put down” 21,339 adoptable dogs, cats, puppies, and kittens instead of finding homes for them.

PETA’s “Animal Record” report for 2008, filed with the Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, shows that the animal rights group killed 95 percent of the dogs and cats in its care last year. During all of 2008, PETA found adoptive homes for just seven pets.

Just seven animals -- out of the 2,216 it took in. PETA just broke its own record

PETA has a $32 million annual budget. But instead of investing in the lives of the thousands of flesh and blood creatures in its care, the group spends millions on media campaigns telling Americans that eating meat, drinking milk, fishing, hunting, wearing leather shoes, and benefiting from medical research performed on lab rats are all “unethical.”

Now the death toll of animals in PETA’s care has reached 21,339, including more than 2,000 pets last year. That’s not an animal charity. It’s a slaughterhouse. [Edited for space]

Yah! Go PETA! Check out more dirt on PETA for yourself at PETAKillsAnimals.com.

Speaking of Crack

Here's a video where a dude and his wife apparently give relationship advice from their bed via youtube. Here, the advice is about shit bein' all up in yo' ass and how it's a turn off to have skid marks.



The man has a plan. Pulsating shower head, or darker underwear.

Speaking of Crack Rocks

Here's some tell-tale signs of how to know when someone you love is on crack.



Things to look for:
Do you find them just laying on the floor of your favorite ice cream parlors?

Does their hair get progressively more orange as it moves away from their scalp?

Are they singing and dancing in small graveyards?

Do they share a 40oz in said graveyard utilizing 8oz clear plastic cups only to pour the malt liquor upon the graves of those they've lost, or just any random grave?

Do they show signs of unwarranted euphoria (read waving their arms in the air like they just don't care out the window of a car that is parked)?

Do they know someone named Ray-Ray who was a victim of some "merkin'"?



Do they pontificate upon a song in which the author of the lyrics asks her alleged cheating boyfriend if she can "Smell Yo' Dick"? Or, does she ask her boyfriend to smell his dick, really on any occasion?



Have they ever spawned something as retched as that little girl? Or, are they that little girl?



Do "ground rainbows" scare them?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, or if you've actually just witnessed the person hitting some crack out of a glass tube, than you may have a crack head on your hands. Not much else to do but break out the video camera.

A PSA on Drug Addiction

Crack. Crack kills. And, if it doesn't kill you, it will cause your family (read your daughter who already has a bunch of goofy plastic shit in her hair cause of your crack head ass thinking it looks good) much ridicule, mostly by 10 year old girls.



With your ugly behind.

Gay but Funny but Really Gay

Here's a mash up of two previously known youtube phenomena: Chocolate Rain, and that song What What in the Butt. By themselves they are intolerable, but together, well together they are...uhh...moderately tolerable. Yeah, not much of an improvement.

Favorite Video of Olde (must be emo)

I love this song/video. Emo kids are so incredibly ridiculous. And frankly the world would be better without them.



But don't confuse them with scene kids. The difference is scene kids can be happy sometimes, and can sometimes be found in bright colors. I know. It's a confusing world we live in.

Album Review: Crack The Skye

The official release date for Mastodon's 4th (technically 5th) full length Crack the Sky is March 24. I was fortunate enough to catch the pre-order going on and got the album last Saturday. I know it's pretty much 4 days later now, but I didn't want to go into this review all willy-nilly. I needed time to take the album in and listen to it a few times before I reacted upon it.

The album is Crack the Skye. Mastodon, who are well known for their themed albums, seemingly have a Russian type of theme to this one. Probably inspired by drummer Brann Dailor's trip to Russia some time before the official writing process took place. Artistically the album packaging is on point with what you'd expect to see, largely in part to the fact that they have been using the same artist (Paul Romano) for all of their releases. This time the packaging is much more of a box set than the standard jewel case. The pre-order package came with a "making of..." DVD that I've yet to watch, but I'm sure it's every bit as good as every other "making of..." DVD, and in the center is an interesting bit of multi-dimensional artwork reminiscent of Tool's 10k days/Laturalus album artwork.


The pre-order package also came with a lithograph of the album artwork. But I think lithograph was just fancy speak for "we had a guy run down to kinkos and get this one picture copied 1000 times to 14"x14" poster board." Either way, it's still hanging on my wall.

So, onto the music. Well unless you haven't been following Mastodon recently you would have already heard Divinations and possibly even Oblivion. The music is tight, and it sounds great which should be a relief to some people who were worried about whether or not the new producer was gonna fuck things up. But what might catch some people off guard (but shouldn't be off putting to anyone) is the new expansive vocal style. It's still gritty, but they took all that experimental clean vocal tid-bits from Blood Mountain and expounded upon them. I'll admit, I was a little unsure at first when I didn't hear any of the usual growls or grunts, and especially when I heard Brann singing from behind the kit on Oblivion. In fact it's not till near the end of the album that you get any growling vocals. But, after a few listens you kinda get used to it, and if it was bothering you before like it was me at first you learn to accept it. So let's go through the tracks.

1. Oblivion: As I mentioned earlier, Brann sings some verses on this one. Yeah, Brann. The drummer. That means the only guy who isn't singing anymore is 2nd guitarist Bill Kelliher. He actually has a pretty decent voice, and is clearly (as if it ever should have been questioned) coordinated enough to handle singing and playing his usual drum parts at the same time. The song is a little on the slower side as far as Mastodon goes. It's along the same line as Seabeast, and Colony of Birchmen. It's sure to get plenty of plays as it's oddly addicting.

2. Divinations: Pretty much the straight rocker on this album. The Blood and Thunder, the Wolf Is Loose, or even the Mother Puncher if you will. Now, on any other album this would have been that one song that stood out and made you think "wow these guys are really progressive. They aren't some one tune metal band." But when taken in with all the other songs it's pretty much just the straight rocker. You get a hint of the old style of singing, but essentially it's pretty much clean. Catchy riff, catchy chorus, and sure to get in your head.

3. Quintessence: This is one of those songs that will take some time and a few spins until it is fully appreciated by some (like me). I mean it's not bad at all, it's just a little different at first. There's some fancy guitar work going on, and it's clear that Brent Hinds has become very proficient at singing and playing intricate parts at the same time (as it has been mentioned by the band members that Brent and Troy would trade singing parts based on song difficulty when their singer first left the band). I'm not a huge fan of the chorus, it's just a call and repeat "Letting Go" between Brent and Troy, but it's still cool. The song is good, but in my opinion not one that will get played as extensively as their other songs.

4. The Czar: I. Usurper II. Escape III. Martyr IV. Spiral:
Like it or loathe it Mastodon have decided to take up valuable track space with this expansive 4 part track that spans just over 10 minutes. Now, if you're like me, you see a ten minute Mastodon song and think back to tracks like Hearts Alive and say FUCK YES! But, I dunno. This song doesn't do it for me as much as Hearts Alive. The 4 parts are clearly segregated as there are marked tempo shifts/melody changes/and different lyrical ideas. It goes from slow and dark with repeating lyrics of "Don't stay, Run Away". And that's not bad at all. The next part is a little weird at first. Brann has since discovered tambourines and puts one to full use in this part. This section kinda has a Funk meets Capillarian Crest sort of feel. Yeah, I know, that sounds horrible. But that's the only way I can explain it. Again it's not a bad part, and most of the guitar riffs kinda have a Remission sort of feel (or simplicity) to them. And this part spans a good 3 minutes or so until the guitars ring out, and here comes another huge tempo change. There's some acoustic guitar and ambient sounds for a bit, and then the distortion kicks back in. The singing in this part sounds like it is largely dominated by Brent, but I'll admit that sometimes even I can't tell whose singing. But, the reason that this part kicks ass is the solo. Very bluesy, very shred-tastic, but dammit Brent that was entirely too short. You'll also notice that the whole song is filled with some organ work by some guy. It adds a nice touch, but it's not too over powering. Now we go into the last part, Spiral, which is essentially a repeat of Usurper. There's some nice backing vocals, some "ooo's" and "aaa's" over the repeating guitar line, and the song fades out. And I know it's gonna take some time for me to fully appreciate this song, but honestly right now I'm kinda wishing they would have replaced this ten minutes with 2-3 songs that sound like Iron Tusk and Circle of Cysquatch, if not just a bad ass 10 minute jam session that Wesley Willis would be proud of, with minimal singing like fucking Hearts Alive! But, instead the band chose a more progressive feel, and do a pretty good job at telling a story (presumably of a czar getting usurped, well yeah).

5. Ghost of Karelia: This song is essentially like Quintessence. It's not bad. Actually I like this song a little less than Quintessence, and by this point if you're not feeling all the clean vocals, you might not like this one as much. It's 5 minutes long but for some reason it feels short. I mean I know I just listened to a ten minute song, but still. One nice thing about it is there is some really good musicianship going on. Some traditional Russian string instruments sprinkled through out, I think there's some organ work too. But damn is there a lot of singing. No real musical break down, or extensive bad ass guitar solos. Just a lot of lyrics. Little bits of tempo shift through out the song, but it keeps reverting back to the slower "this song is deep" speed. Yeah I just made that up, but you'll know what I mean when you hear it. Hell I even think I heard Brann whack a gong in there. The song eventually ends kinda how it started, with some impressive clean vocals, and then it transitions into the next track.

6. Crack The Sky: This song is the title track obviously but it should be retitled to "Only Song with Harsh Vocals". Yep, it's taken this long to hear anything reminiscent of Mastodon's earlier work, and it took Neurosis's Scott Kelly (pictured right) to get it done. I really like this song. It is essentially just a Neurosis song with Brent and Troy singing the chorus, and Brent doing some fancy guitar work. The song is slow, in fact you could say it crawls. There's an eerie xylophone sounding keyboard melody that appears every now and again. The music during the chorus is refreshingly deep, and you can easily make out Brann's double bass pumping away. But Scott Kelly is the only one doing any grunting on this track. The chorus and all other Mastodon parts are clean, but actually go really well with this song. I think it's the balance of clean and grimy vocal styles that does it for me. Kinda like how it did on Blood Mountain.

7. The Last Baron: And sadly the last track. That's right. Last track. 7 tracks. That's all you get. To be fair though this track is 13 minutes long. Mastodon must have felt that no one was taking them seriously as a progressive metal band, so they busted out the jams with this long one. It's not bad, but the oft repeated lyric of "I guess they'd say we could set this world ablaze" just feels awkward and I think it's cause I'm subconsciously connecting it with Killswitch Engage's song World Ablaze and that's just leaving a weird taste in my mouth. Well this song is pretty damn good. Many tempo changes again, some really good guitar work. About midway through the song Mastodon has a YYZ moment ala Rush, and then they just go back to rocking. Just like in The Czar there's just a little too much singing. They really must have wanted to get the theme across with all the singing when they were writing this album. But they still manage to get in some good instrumental parts. The song also features some chorus style background "Ooo, Ooo, Ooo's" that, from the credits, were seemingly more keyboard work. That or the guys put on some Bee Gees Jeans to pull off some incredibly high pitches. Also in this song is another tambourine and porno scratch guitar breakdown. Maybe it's just me but the tambourine seems a little out of place with a Mastodon song with the amount it's being used.

So to sum it all up, if my ramblings about each track seemed negative than let me just say I'm really happy I bought this album, and I'm also very psyched to hear all these songs when I see Mastodon play in May in Philly. I gotta rate this album out of ten stars so I can be accurate.

Album artwork/packaging: 7/10. Cool artwork, but I didn't really get how the tunnel picture was that great. Maybe I have to take up smoking weed, I dunno.

Music: 7/10. At least for now. Who knows. I might really learn to love this album. I know it took some time for me to like Leviathan, and even Blood Mountain at first because Mastodon IS a progressive metal band. They're constantly pushing the boundaries of their music.

The whole album is very mellow. Not something you're generally used to with a Mastodon release, but possibly traceable back to Brent's massive head injury (when you got a head ache that big, I'm sure the last thing you want to hear is a thrashing rock song). I'm not sure how involved he was before on other albums, but Brann definitely stepped up on this one. He claims that the "Skye" in the title and title track were inspired by his deceased sister Skye who committed suicide when she was young. That, and as I mentioned before the whole Russian thing more than likely came from Brann's experience there. The album has a very "folk" feel to it, which I guess is appropriate with the whole Russia theme. But I'd really like it if on the next album they don't completely abandon the screams/grunts/growls from prior albums that, in my opinion, really brought a different level of ferocity to their music. I have no problem with them being progressive, trying out new things, and changing their sounds as they wish, I just hope they don't cut out what made them awesome in the first place. Killer guitar riffs, fast-pace rock songs, expansive but unrepetitive slow songs, Brann's crazy drum fills (sorely missed; due to overall slower song tempos I guess), and mind boggling solos (no real stand outs on this album, except for that 10 second excerpt in the middle of the 10 minute long Czar; could this also be traced back to Brent's head injury? I dunno, and I don't want to come across as putting any type of blame on him).

So what I'm saying is, if you're a Mastodon fan, buy this album. If you only like Mastodon because you're some retarded metal head who only likes heavy stuff and you just happened to see Mastodon when they did that god awful tour with Slapknut and Disturbed, first off you might be disappointed, and secondly go kill yourself if you honestly like slipknot and disturbed. If you're new to Mastodon, you really like the clean vocals, and you want to get their other stuff, buy the albums in reverse order (Blood Mountain -> Remission) so you can slowly get used to the growling as the rest of us have slowly gotten used to the clean stuff. Neurosis fans should really dig this album too. But god dammnit, if these clean vocals start bringing in hipsters who wanna make Mastodon the new "underground it band" I'm gonna stab the next person I see wearing a skull hugging beanie when it's warm out right above the frames of their geeky-on-purpose wide frame glasses. Mastodon are still the same southern metal rockers they always were. And it's gonna take a lot more than some nicely done clean vocals to take away their bad assery.



Author's Edit: After watching the making of DVD I can give it a rating of 8/10. Very thorough, explained a lot of things including the album's theme (which I won't go over because it's long, and you should just find out for yourself), and really put some emotions and ideas behind the songs.

Also, upon further listening to the album I have to change my previous comments about the album's guitar solos. They are there, and they are well done, it's just that they fit right into the music instead of just standing by themselves.

Further more, it turns out there was keyboards on about 3-4 songs on this album. The keyboardist will more than likely be on tour with the rest of the members, and it may be possible that he will either become a full time member or be featured in future Mastodon work. Aside from the the keyboards, there are a slew of other percussion instruments that Brann had mixed in with some of the songs (especially The Czar and The Last Baron).

How to Be Less Productive

Here, play asteroids, or...go masturbate. Really either choice is a good way to be less productive.

Use the arrow keys to move, dumbass
Blow shit up – space key
Wanna go fast as shit? – ctrl or shift key
Need a second to go crank one off? – P
Are you a pansy quitter? – Q
Tired of the fucking noise? – M

Dinosaurs. Fucking. Robots

I'm not sure where the idea came from, how it became so popular, or why there's inspirational quotes within each picture of a dinosaur fornicating with a robot. But let's not question Dinosaurs Fucking Robots, let's just enjoy it.

Holy Fucking Mash-Up Batman

I recently came across a video where an Israeli musical artist has created his own original content by utilizing youtube videos. By splicing different parts of completely different home made songs from various genres and mashing them all together he's created some incredible music. Sure all it really is is video editing, but to create something like this you really need to have an ear for musical composition. Check out all of his videos, here's a few of my favorites.

Wesley Willis is Better Than Katy Perry

Wesley Willis was the fucking man. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, he still managed to churn out over 20 albums and 1000 songs in less than 10 years before his untimely death in 2003. He even sold his own artwork of the city of Chicago that he drew from memory. But most notably he was a big man who just wanted to play some rock and roll. Did almost all of his songs have the same programmed Casio keyboard rhythm? Fuck yes. Did most of his songs share almost the exact same lyrics save for a few name changes and word rearrangements? Fuck yes. Was he a 350lbs 6'5 man who enjoyed headbutting people as a means of connecting with them? Fuck yes. And yet he's still better than that cunt Katy Perry. She's god awful.
"Oh, but she's so edgy cause she says unlady-like things in her songs. She's taken control of her sexuality and isn't afraid of what other people think." My. Ass. Yeah she's really breaking the mold singing a song about kissing a girl. Oh wait, that was already done back in the mid 90's when Jill Sobule sang a song called I kissed a girl. And don't give me this shit that Katy Perry's creative at all. She didn't even write her big hit single I kissed a girl. Nope, it was the producers of Katy's album that get the credit for that. So...if she doesn't write her own lyrics, and clearly doesn't play any of the music (I shouldn't have to explain that strumming a few chords on a guitar is not the same as actually writing music), what is she? Well here's a glimpse:

Ooooooh. I see. She's a product of a record company marketing sexuality. So, in reality she's no different than Britney Spears, Madonna, or hell even the Backstreet Boys. The only difference I see is that she's Pop-y enough to win the hearts of teenie bopper girls, but she's embracing that retro, 1920's, hipster, black hair look which is sure to win over...you guessed it, scene girls. I'll give her this, at least she's more attractive than Amy Whinehouse.


Fuck I hate Katy Perry. I could go on for days about her and her dipshit fans who thinks she's a strong innovative woman. But right now we need to get back and bare witness to the bad assitry of Wesley.



You see, what made Wesley Willis great was not a gimmick. It wasn't that he was a big black mentally challenged man making music. What made him bad ass is that he was the epitome of what music should be. An expression of one's self without compromise, and only for one's self gratification. That and the fact that his lyrics were fucking awesome.



Wesley Willis was even in a punk band for a short period of time, The Wesley Willis Fiasco, before just doing his extensive solo work.



Wesley Willis was a rockin roller, he got down like a magickist, the crowd would roar like a lion in a cage, his jam session would whup a buffalo's ass with a belt, and he will be missed. And if any of you feel that he was exploited, do me a favor and go

Suck a llama's shitty asshole!
Suck a panda bear's spermy nutsack!
Suck a sloth bear's bootyhole!
Suck a greyhound's musty ass, mothafucka!

Rock over London. Rock on Chicago. Wheaties, The Breakfast of Champions.

Favorite Video of Olde

In this favorite video of olde, a dumb ass Labrador jumps out of a moving vehicle at another dog who must of been talking shit.



Lots of music mash ups to this video, but this one always gets me.

A PSA on Incest

Check out this mongoloid running around the yard crying while he tries to punt a football. I feel bad for the dad cause it looks like he won't be playing ball much with his son in the future, but then again he shouldn't of fucked his sister.



How exactly did running after the ball you're holding in front of yourself help you kick the ball. Oh wait it didn't, you just fell on your ass. Even the dog thinks this kid sucks. And Dad, you might be on the left face-palming slightly off screen at the end of this clip, but just remember it's your fault for doing the boot-scootin' boogie with your sis. Even if she has the sweetest titties in all of Alabama.

I'd Watch This Shit Every Day

Hilarious animation parody by Chris O'Neill on Spongebob Squarepants.

Spongebob Sickpants

Tattoo Ideas

Bwaahahaha. What a dipshit. You're supposed to put your kid's 1st grade art class pictures on the fridge, not get it inked permanently on your body. I hope he didn't actually pay somebody to do that to him. I think I'm gonna take this picture to a tattoo artist and get it put on my body. Can you imagine me bumping into this guy and the look on his face when he sees we have the same god awful tattoo. That would be epic.

The Sham-Wow Blows

I'm sure it's not ground breaking news. In fact, I'm sure it's not news at all. Surely by now people have bought Sham-Wows, tried them out, and either went somewhere online to complain about the product, or just made a video and posted it to youtube. I considered doing the latter, but I only have a digital camera, and I think it would look really shitty if I made a video cause it'd be all shaky seeing as how I don't have a tripod and shit. I also actually did look on youtube and it turns out 3 million other people have also bought the Sham-Wow, used it, and made a video about it being shitty.

So instead, I'm just gonna talk about how shitty the Sham-Wow is. Well, I guess I should be completely honest. I don't actually think I have a genuine Sham-Wow. I got it for Christmas from my dad so I don't really know the origins of the nacho yellow cloth, it doesn't say Sham-Wow on it like the commercial shows, but I guess my dad did heed the one bit of Vince's information cause the cloth does say clearly on it that it was made in Germany. And we all know the German's make good things... If you don't have a Sham-Wow, or one of it's imitators, let me describe it for you. It's a large piece of yellowish orange cloth that feels like felt. It may very well just be a large piece of yellowish orange felt. That's it. So let me continue.

So pretty much I've just been waiting for an opportunity to use the Sham-Wow. I mean, when you don't have one it seems like every fucking cup you have is falling over onto the floor. Yet once I actually got the Sham-Wow it took till March till an accident actually occurred. Weird. Maybe they should use that as the marketing ploy cause the thing didn't absorb shit.

What happened was I was topping off the water in one of my fish tanks, and for some reason or another I tipped the bucket too far and instead of flowing out the nice indented area, the water instead just poured all over the place. Normally I would be pissed off cause I'd have to go to the kitchen and use up like 50 paper towels cause I'm in college and we buy the cheap ones. But this time I was like FUCK YES! I immediately reached for the Sham-Wow. Well, I didn't reach for it, I don't just carry it around with me so it's always on hand, but you know what I mean. I remembered back to the commercial when Vince showed me in real time that he just laid the Sham-Wow on the carpet, and with minimal pressure he soaked up 50% of the liquid. So without hesitation I placed the Sham-Wow upon the soaked carpet, applied a bit of pressure, rolled it up sushi style just like Vince, and then tried to wring the Sham-Wow over the bucket. Nothing came out. I put it back on the carpet and felt a bit of disappointment in knowing that Vince's real time application of the product was a hoax. This time I applied a lot of pressure to the Sham-Wow, and I even rubbed it back and forth. I squeezed it over the bucket and I'd say about an 1/8th of a cup of water came out. I had spilt at least 2 cups of water. After multiple applications, carpet beatings, and 5 minutes later I finally got the carpet some-what dry. At this point I pretty much said fuck it and let the carpet air dry on it's own.

The Sham-Wow was exactly that. A sham. How did I not see this coming? I mean, there was always that cynical part of me that figured it wasn't going to work because nothing is as good as it seems when shown on an infomercial.
That, and if this was a product that even Billy Mays didn't endorse, what the fuck was it doing in my possession? But there was another part of me, my dumbass side I guess, that wanted to believe in the Sham-Wow and all it's absorbical magic.

I've yet to use the Sham-Wow as a towel for myself because I can't wrap it around my body and I don't think my room mates want to see me hopping out of the bathroom with nothing but a small yellow cloth covering my junk. I haven't really given my car a good washing all winter because of the fear of salt ruing my work, so I haven't had the chance to try and dry my car with it. I don't have a dog or cat so there's no piss to soak up, and no fur to be dried either. I thought about putting the Sham-Wow through a rigorous test, but after watching others do so on Youtube I figured fuck it, why waste my time. It fails in all categories. Vince Offer lied to me. Yeah, his name is Vince Offer. And the Sham-Wow isn't his big debut on TV either.

Vince offer has quite a history actually. Ever hear of the "Underground Comedy Movie"? If you've seen it I'm sorry for you. If you haven't than check this clip out.



Well whadaya know? It's Vince Offer, the Sham-Wow guy, singing a parody of I Love LA which was originally sung by Randy Newman. That asshole who puts the most ridiculous lyrics over-top simple piano melodies and markets them to Pixar. Remember Toy Story and that song You've Got a Friend in Me that left you wondering if they let some dude with downs syndrom get up on a mic and spit a few lines about his relationship with his stuffed animal? Or maybe you're more familiar with his earlier work, like the wonderfully written and inspiring song Short People?



I love that song. Well anyway, back to Vince Offer. So he made the flick, The Underground Comedy, which I dunno what the fuck it was about but I remember the commercial talking about models taking dumps and I think it had Joey Buttafuoco too. Probably playing himself. Needless to say the movie tanked. Apparently reviews like
"May be the least amusing comedy ever made," didn't help the movie's sales at all. So, what did Vince Offer do? What anyone in his situation would do, sue people. He apparently tried suing the Farrely brothers over "stolen content" that was featured in their movie "There's Something About Mary".
He also tried suing Anna Nicole Smith for not being in his movie even though she apparently agreed to. Mrs. Smith didn't want to be in his film cause...wait for it... she was afraid it would ruin her career.

He also was essentially kicked out of Scientology because his movie was so shitty, THEY didn't want to be associated with him. That's right. A group of money hungry, brain washing, family destroying, people killing, internet censoring, Tom Cruise fucking, followers of a bad science fiction writer who seemed to suffer from schizophrenia didn't want to be associated with HIM.

Since he didn't get any money out of that, and he pretty much made 0 money back on his movie, he had to tap into what would make him money. He made a commercial for his movie, and found some success. Ok, now he knew commercials were the metaphoric wave of his future. But what to sell? He thought back to when he worked at a flea market apparently, and then pulled the Sham-Wow out of his ass. He also found the Slap-Chop up there too. Undoubtedly the Slap-Chop is a piece of shit as well, but until I actually get to use one I'll save any commentary for that.

So to sum it up. I was gifted a shitty towel-like cloth that looks and feels like a shitty piece of felt. It does a shitty job at performing the only fucking job it was made for, absorbing shit, but it shouldn't come as a surprise because it was marketed by a shitty film maker and comedian. Sham-Wow. I dunno, these things just sell themselves.

Extremely disgusting, and that's why I find it hilarious

Ahh cuddlesticks. Delicious, oddly satisfying, chock full of flavor, and so damn good you can only have them once a month. Popsicles, just like mom used to make!

Click here for the video.

Urr...ummm.

Feeling Down?

Well go to Fuck My Life and either tell everyone your story, or feel relief upon reading everyone else's misfortunes. Such gems as:

Today, at a hard rock concert, a bunch of guys accidentally knocked down a port-a-potty while moshing. I was inside that port-a-potty. FML

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled during sex. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

and

Today, my cat was in the bathroom when I was undressing to get into the shower. I realized that he was the only male to have seen me naked in the past two months. Then he started scratching the door for me to let him out. FML

Favorite Video of Olde

This one is an old SNL skit. In what may have been one of the funniest SNLs ever, the host Jim Carrey plays the character Jimmy Tango. He introduces his weight loss program and invites everyone to "Ride the Snake".



Don't Mess with the Maestro!

Movie Review: Chocolate

Chocolate. I mentioned this movie before in the Tony Jaa is a Bad Ass thread. So I won't repost the trailer. Instead let me just get right into the review.

The story starts out with some woman, and some dude making a deal with a gang lord that as long as the guy and gal aren't ever together (cause the gang lord wants her), he won't kill them. Well here's the part where there's a whole bunch of love and gun shooting. They keep getting together even though the gang lord said not to, and the gang lord keeps doing things to the broad to teach her not to hang out with the other guy.

Well eventually she gets knocked up by the guy, but tells the dude that she has to leave him. Then when she gives birth she finds out her daughter is autistic. So she keeps sending letters to the dad about how hard it is and how much she misses him and why she had to leave him and sentimental shit like that. Still, about 20 minutes in, no fighting.

So the gang lord finds out that she's sending the father letters, and he comes over to her house and chops her toe off as a reminder. Now that the gang lord knows where she lives she decides to move. The autistic girl keeps growing up, and starts showing off her weird "power" to eat flies out of the air, and catch anything that's thrown at her. While walking home from work the mom sees some fat ass getting beat up so she adopts him. Apparently he either didn't have parents, or they just didn't give a shit that someone up and took their kid. Either way he starts helping out raising the autistic girl, mainly by throwing shit at her so she has to catch it. Then he takes her into the city and shows her off for money.

You also see around this time that the girl can watch the Thai boxers, or kung-fu flicks and then emulate the moves. She watches Ong Bak and The Protector, but there's some other ones in there too. So now apparently she knows kung fu.

So the fat kids keeps throwing shit at her, she keeps being autistic and eating the Thai version of M&M's (hey, maybe that's why it's called Chocolate!). You learn that the mom is really in debt cause the gang lord kept taking all her money and shit, and that a lot of people owe her money. On top of that she gets cancer so now she really needs the dough.

BUT. FINALLY! A Fight Scene! It's pretty short though. Some dude throws a knife at her during one of the shows, the fat kids yells, the gang of kids comes out, and the autistic girl kicks their asses. There were some cool moves, but like I said it was pretty short.

So now that the mom has cancer the fat kid and the autistic girl go around to all the people whose addresses the fat kid found when he was snooping around and found the moms little book of people who owe her money apparently. After failing miserably, the autistic girl FINALLY learns that she's gonna have to kick some ass to get that cash. So she does.

This is the beginning of the fighting part of this movie. Up till now it was pretty much just story. So the girl and the fat kid go from person to person getting money so they can buy their mom medicine for her cancer. Eventually the gang lord is like "what the fuck" cause the autistic girl is just fucking up all his gangs. So he tries to get the mom killed, and the dad gets a letter from the mom, and then the fat kid gets kid napped, and then the mom and the autistic girl go to meet the gang lord to finish their business. In the mean time the dad is on his way to kick some ass too. There's some more fighting, and the autistic girl definitely has some cool moves, but you can really tell that she hasn't been fighting all her life cause the moves just don't seem to flow like they do when you're watching Tony Jaa. Apparently she trained for only 2 years before shooting the movie, and she kept training throughout the movie for another 2 years. So for 4 years she's really good, and she does manage to show off many different types of fighting styles, not just Muay Thai.

So there's a bunch of fighting going on and then when it looks like the autistic girl kicked everyone's ass, some young guy comes out and it seems like he's mentally retarded too. I think he has tourettes cause he's twitching and flailing his arms and shit. Here, check it out:


Yeah it's a pretty cool fight. I dunno exactly what style the people are fighting in, and I'm not exactly sure that the video description is totally accurate. So then that fight happens and the dad comes in and then further shit ensues. I'll stop there.

So if I had to rate the movie out of 5 stars I'd give it 3 aaannnnd a half. Yeah 3 and a half. Like I said, the fighting was alright. Not as fluid as other martial arts movies, but still really commendable seeing as how she didn't grow up practicing martial arts. The story was actually pretty well done, and didn't have a bunch of plot holes. But overall the movie didn't really meet my expectations. I'm glad I only Netflixed it instead of buying it. I almost did too after just watching the trailer.

So, if you wanna watch a movie with a decent story and pretty good fight scenes where the moves are real and the injuries are real, than watch Chocolate. But only if you've already watched Ong Bak and The Protector first. I got a feeling that girls would actually like to watch the movie. So there's always the chance you could use it as date movie.

So once again, Chocolate: 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

Ladies and Gentlemen. The Most Epically Gay Child Performance, Ever.

I don't even know where to begin with this video. Apparently there is (was?) a TV show in Germany where kids get to dress up like some singer or music group, learn some moves, learn how to lip sync, and then I guess they either compete against one-another, or maybe they just perform and that's it. I dunno, as I've never actually watched the whole show. But, I did come across this clip. Looks like it was the early-mid 90's when it was filmed. I'm judging that off of the song chosen, and the kids clothing before they get changed. Either that or German children clothing is stuck in the past. Anyway, the kids either get stuck with this song, or, and I hope this isn't the truth, they choose it. It being Go West by The Pet Shop Boys. Behold:


I wonder if they imported that black girl from America to play the Statue of Liberty?


Now if you're sitting there thinking: What's so gay about that? Just some kids looking awkwardly uncomfortable in colorful jumpsuits singing a song about a man moving out west with his love.

Well here's the real music video for Go West. Complete with muscular blond Russian men running around for no other reason than to be eye candy for the Pet Shop Boys. You just have to know that this is the "anthem" song in some gay bar.



Pet shop boys. Fucking gay.

Pandas

This video is probably old, seeing as how all the 300 jokes are, but I haven't seen it before until today. So, deal with it.

Star Wars Sex Toys

It has recently come to mind, after a recent thread over at HCwDB.com that there should be a market for Star Wars sex toys. I know what you're thinking.

1) Why would someone think about that?
2) Why didn't I think of that?

Yeah. So started the search. Immediately after googling "star wars sex toys" I found this gem of an article about some Jar Jar Binks life size doll being used as a sex toy by some kids. Now, it would come as no surprise that the website is a Christian based one that puts out newsletters letting concerned overbearing zealots know what they are to fear next, but unfortunately we can't be that lucky and this website, while still hilarious, is just a satire site mocking the religion. Nevertheless the website goes so far as to assert that the sole purpose of the Jar Jar Binks character was to entertain and entice kids. Apparently so much so that kids would feel the need to have sex with it. But, I can't figure out what exactly the kids were doing with the doll. Check out this quote:

Under the guise of family entertainment, Lucas' "Star Wars" prequel has contaminated America's youth with subliminal sexual innuendo. Pastor Ebeneezer Smith of the Landover Baptist Church commented, "The demonic characteristics of the Jar Jar binks creature become obvious when one pays close attention. His forked tongue, his lapping, his malignant features, are all too noticeable to the Christ centered man." Experts who have examined the life-sized doll that has become the favorite 'toy' of 12-14 year old children, say that the evidence is overwhelming. The doll was created for the sole purpose of masturbation. It has four openings, and three extrusions, making it compatible for male or female pleasure

The dolls sole purpose was for masturbation. That website is hilarious. But, back to the main topic.

Further research turned up:
1)Wiki posts on Star Wars themed "marital aids".
2)A 5' tall statue of Princess Leia apparently from the animated series, that's "not a sex toy".
3)
This disturbing website.

And a host of other Star Wars dildo related madness.
But I couldn't find the one item that I thought would definitely exist.
An R2D2 butt plug. I know there's some nerdy hoes begging for some robot anal play.

You know she would

Look, all I'm saying is there's already a huge market for Star Wars Porn

So why not Star Wars toys to complete the intergalactic perversion?
Star Wars fans buy anything Star Wars related. And why stop at light saber dildos? You could make a light saber Fleshlight. And Princess Leia blow-up dolls. But please no Chewy blow up dolls. I can't condone Wookie fucking.

Mark My Words: This is one hell of a money making scheme!

So, You Think You're Important?

Well, how's this for an ego-obliterating bitch slap of a reality check. We are so small, next to the biggest things in the universe we are nothing.



That star's so big, it's unfathomable. Your brain literally cannot understand exactly how big it is. Yeah. Still feel significant? Well look at this video



You should be feeling very alone right now.

Goats: Big Fucking Nuts

Bwaa hahaha. Goats. What a bunch of assholes.

This Cat is Disturbed

Hahaha, look at this mother fucker. What the hell is wrong with that cat? It looks like it's cracked out. Can you imagine that feline staring at you from outside. Freaking me out.

The Weather Channel is for Pussies

Are you tired of the weather channel pussy footing around with what the fuck the temperature is outside? Oh it's gonna be 34 but with the wind chill it'll feel like 31 but the wind should only be blowing from 4-9 and there may be clouds. I say: Fuck That Shit, and that's why I go to The Fucking Weather to get my information. Quick, direct, and no bull shit pictures of fucking H's flying around like I can remember what a high pressure moving in from the South East means for what I should expect for weather every time. Oh, high pressure, uh that usually means no rain, might actually be nice. Well fuck, it rains anyway. Asshole weather channel's never right anyway. So go to The Fucking Weather and get it straight.

Black Metal Ain't For Dancing

Black metal. There's no genre more dismal than a bunch of lonely Norwegians who aren't that great at their instruments getting together and creating music in which bad production, few chord changes, and generally just fast strumming is the norm. Let's just say it's not for everyone, and that's what the fans like about it. I can only tolerate some of it, but it sure has one hell of a history. Especially during the early 90's with the murdering and church burning. Bad fucking Ass. Sound interesting? Check out the book Lords of Chaos for all the blackend satan death fuck stories. Those guys are nuts. One of the pioneering Norwegian Black Metal bands was Immortal. Judge them on their music, not the music videos. It's impossible to take them seriously if you watch any of the music videos. But being that they have such a hardened persona, it only makes the video below THAT much better. I could watch this video all day.





Abbath is one of the two guitarist, and lead singer in case you were wondering. The song is done by the extremely gay UK band The Scissor Sisters. They also do a horrible version of Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb". Enjoy, and Hail Satan.

Fuck Them: An Exposé on People I Hate

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Another Favorite Video of Olde

Finally, a song that speaks for the every-man. It says what's on all our minds. Mostly though it's just fucking hilarious. I know it's kinda old, but it's still one of my favorite videos.