Tuesday, September 29, 2009

The End is Nigh


finally got a functioning mood music option. Like it?

Robots. You should immediately start sleeping with one eye open because robots are about 3 years away from completely going apeshit and killing all humans to complete their primary objective. When will mankind learn that giving inanimate objects human qualities is a bad thing. Hell, even us humans can barely control our emotions. Whether it be seeking vengeance, making a shitty emo-band, or I dunno...wanting to rape someone? Yeah, think about it. Robot-rape. It's not like you could stop it. Everyone should know by now that the only way to kill a robot is to push him into some molten metal.Have a look at what mankind is up to now. And start preparing for the apocalypse, cause the end is nigh.

This is exactly what I mean. These little things look cute don't they? Little squares beeping and booping and bumping into each other. Aren't they adorable? Until they start assembling them selves into a larger robot with their own will. Oh that's a great idea, give them the option of turning into an even bigger machine of death. They don't even need humans to control them like Voltron did!


Undulation, or slithering has to be one of the most involved forms of movement around. Not to mention creepy. Go figure when you team the freakishness of a snake's movement with a friggin' robot you end up pooping your pants.


But maybe you want your robot more functional. Well Big Dog is at the top of the list when it comes to maneuverability. If this thing can take a beating and walk over ice without falling over what chances do I have against it?

Maybe they'll think about putting in a battery operated motor instead of making the beast sound like a weed-whacker. Nevertheless if I saw that thing coming at me I'd probably curl up into the fetal position. That thing is about 150ft of height and a few blasters away from being a fucking ATAT


And if it wasn't enough that robots are mimicking animals, look at this video of a group that made a fucking cyborg beetle. Excuse me, a fucking remote controlled cyborg beetle. Yeah, they can tell it where to fly by controlling it's neural stimulation (ie it has a robot brain).



Even if the robots don't all revolt against us what the hell would we want with life-like robots? I for one do not want to live in the world of Exterminator City. And I know some of you are thinking about the sexual endeavors one could have with a sexy robot, but we're not even working on that (well, Japan is, but that's to be expected). Instead groups like DARPA are paying to have this shit made up, which is just fucking wonderful. I can honestly see no possible good from life-like robots roaming the planet. If anyone else knows about any crazy robots that are being made feel free to post links in the comments section.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Album Review: Deflorate


The Black Dahlia Murder, Detroit's resident melodic death metal band, have not let constant touring cut back on productivity. Only two years after releasing metal masterpiece, Nocturnal, and a non-stop touring schedule do we get their next offering: Deflorate. Another new album, and TBDM follow suit by getting another new band member (Miasma had new drummer Zach, Nocturnal had new bassist Bart and drummer Shannon, and now Deflorate has a new guitarist in Ryan Knight). The new album features 10 tracks, a running theme of their last 3 albums, that clock in at roughly 35 minutes. And while their albums have never been terribly long, and any fans of TBDM aren't expecting some 10 minute long death metal epic track, the whole experience of Deflorate seems very brief. Perhaps it's the fact that the songs all share a common tempo, but with the new high standards that Nocturnal created, most fans will likely be left feeling like there should be more.
The album artwork is, well, colorful for a death metal band. The whole insert is white, and features a futuristic alien city in the background and some large mother-like monster on her(?) throne turning some guys into statues.

What this being has to do with the album concept I dunno. I'm not even sure how the title deflorate fits into it as that's not really a word. When I think Deflorate I'm thinking about the taking of virginity. So maybe that's it. Or instead of virginity it's really just taking innocence. Again, what taking innocence has to do with the fat thing with fetuses (feti?) around her neck turning men into stone as red-robed monks chant...I dunno. But who cares really, metal album art hardly ever makes sense. So let's not question it, let's just enjoy it. There's a rumor around that it was inspired by Iron Maidan's PowerSlave album artwork, and if you look at the two together you get the feeling that the rumor is probably right. So, let's get to the music.
1. Black Valor: A song that is both lyrically and musically in the vein of at least one or two tracks off of Unhallowed and Nocturnal, Black Valor is about a satanic army of darkness that, of course, wants to kill Christians and the Christian's god. Nothing new in the terms of groundbreaking lyrics, but I'm not complaining. This song more than just sets the tempo to the rest of the album, it pretty much lets you know that the guitar sound is going to be somewhat over mixed together and in turn seem muffled in the background, while Trevor's voice takes the indomitable lead for the rest of the album. The song is technical, and of course melodic. A good pick for the opening track as it is quite a rocker, but not likely to be anyone's favorite track off of the album.

2. Necropolis: This song starts off with a blast, a few strums of the main riff, and then immediately goes into a frenzy of double picking and Trevor showcasing his well-honed vocals. One of my favorite parts is found in the first verse where he switches from his death metal grunt to his blackend screech mid sentence. And not to seem like I'm sucking his dick, but it's truly a testament to how talented he's become vocally. Lyrically the song seems to be about a man renouncing his faith because of a lack of evidence for his former God. Once again Trevor has written a very descriptive short story within his lyrics that really illustrates the a character (ie Elder Misanthropy, Deathmask Divine). Musically the song is catchy, but will surely create some of the largest pits in concert. And while the song doesn't include one of Ryan's best guitar solos, this is easily one of the best tracks on the album.

3.A Selection Unnatural: No rest for the wicked, A Selection Unnatural wastes no time getting right into the first verse. Here the band decides to shift the dial from melodic to brutal. Guitars shred through a technical flurry of chords and even Trevor favors his death metal grunts over-top of the once lead shriek (the first of many songs on this album). The solo is perfect. The addition of Ryan is very noticeable even if the solo is short. He really "Sweedished" the lead guitar sound of this band. Something I'm sure the other band mates (and die-hard Carcass and At the Gates fans) were more than happy to have. But boy is this song ever short. Even if it is almost 3 minutes long, the song just flies by in a frenzy of heavy. Lyrically the song is about a new born with some genetic mutations that make it more of a monster than a human. Trevor admits to having been influenced by a program or two on TV about such real life events. Additionally he wrote "It's mysteries will baffle modern medicine for centuries to come", which will likely be chanted by everyone in the audience when A Selection Unnatural get's played to a sea of fist pumping.

4.Denounced, Disgraced: Finally, a little bit of a tempo change. Well, not at first, but the song does breakdown temporarily two or three times through out as some key lyrics are chanted. The song's lyrics seem to be about a group of soldiers (think bronze age) having to kill their leader for betraying the kingdom. Once again Trevor does his mid-verse singing style change. This time a little more polished than on Necropolis. But what I want to talk about is the bass. Kudos to the producer for letting Bart's bass line shine! Sure there had been songs in the pass where the bass might have the chance to introduce the next riff, but in this song you can actually hear it playing with the guitars (where as most metal bands push the bass back so far in the mix you can barely tell if they're there). The solo is pretty good, nothing magical, but does feature some cool tapping. This song is a good example of how the guitars seem to be too meshed together and muffled. In my opinion it sounds like how they did on Miasma instead of how clean they were on Nocturnal. The song is good, but not really remember-able enough to be a real fan favorite.

5.Christ Deformed: Christ Deformed begins with a slower, more melodic riff, and than quickly abandons it so it can start thrashing. Lyrically the song is about raping the children of the Lord in order to convert them to Satanism.
"Hymen breached with a cross
Children of your lord
Semen peppers their faces
We seek to distort
Our kingdom shall come"
Absolutely fantastic. The song becomes a little forget-able towards the end (around the same time the song enters the lack-luster solo and than revisits the intro-riff), but it will definitely be one that fans revisit (if not just for the rousing lyrics of sodomy in the name of blasphemy).

6.Death Panorama: Another song that wastes no time getting into the verse, and certainly does not overstay it's welcome. This song is only a buck fifty in length, shorter if you cut out the ten seconds of feedback at the end. Melodic death metal in the guise of a grindcore song? Well, whatever you want to call it, the song is pretty good. It's fast, will only be remember-able because of it's lack of many parts, and features Shannon putting some authority into his double bass. Hell, they even made room for a solo in there. Lyrically the song seems to be about what it's like to have your life flash before your eyes when you die. Perhaps the brevity of the song is to further illustrate the "Not in chronology but so wildly all at once" lyrics that describe the Death Panorama. Or not

7.Throne of Lunacy: Hooray for HP Lovecraft! Where would metal lyricist be without your short stories and Cthulhu Mythos. This song reminds me of Morbid Angel. And it's not just the chants to the ancient ones or any of the other Lovecraft references. The favoring of the death metal grunts, a few of the chugging riffs, and even the solo to some extent (though it quickly goes back to melodic Swedish death metal). This is one of my favorite tracks on the album, though I'm not entirely sure why. Song writing is very similar to what we got on Nocturnal, and I don't think anyone's gonna complain about that, yet I think this track is likely to be one of the few on the album that will stand out.

8. Eyes of Thousand: This song sounds like it should have been on Miasma. The lyrical content (don't trust this woman because she's a succubus that'll "suck you dry"), the unwavering blast beats (not always a good thing), and the guitar parts are all reminiscent of that era of TBDM. Not that it's a bad thing, even if that was my least favorite album by them, it's just nothing new. Except for the really heavy part around the :20 mark (yes, even that far in the song's identity is clear), but sadly we don't ever hear from that part again.

9.That Which Erodes the Most Tender of Things: Another great track, and for one reason: discernible parts! Who doesn't love technical guitar parts or blitzkrieg riffs, but sometimes we also like to be able to tell the verse from the chorus from the refrain etc. Lyrically the song seems to be from a mothers point of view in which she had a still born child, but has spent some time treating it as a live baby because she's too sad to let it go. It's sort of the female version of Deathmask Divine. Musically I don't think anyone could complain about this song. It's everything you'd expect from TBDM.

10.I Will Return: What did you expect? Of course it's an epic! Apex, Miasma, Warborn, and now I Will Return. It starts off with a somewhat whimsical (but not in a gay way) slower lead guitar riff, but unlike Warborn it quickly goes into a melodeath rocker like Apex (not nearly as much of an anthem as Miasma though). Lyrics are about a rich guy who can afford to be cryogenically preserved so that he can live forever. CRYONICS! Finally a song that somewhat fits the futuristic look of the album art. Yet has nothing to do with a fat feti (I'm sticking with it at this point) infused necklace donning queen thing, but we can't have everything.

The album was also packaged with a 40 minute DVD titled "We're Going Places", which is largely just about the bands time in Russia (where the Majesty DVD left off). I haven't watched it yet, but I'm sure if I liked Majesty I'll enjoy this. Overall I have to say that the album is not going to be raved over like Nocturnal. It has it's moments, but there just isn't enough there to really make it equal to Nocturnal let alone better than it. Even though the songs are roughly the same running length as they've always been, the album just seems to be over before it began. I blame this largely on the lack of decipherable guitar riffs between songs, and not much in the creativity department from Shannon and his drumming either. That's exactly what was wrong with Miasma, save for a few tracks most of them could be interchanged for any other. At least this time there aren't retarded song titles (I'm looking at you Dave Goes to Hollywood). I've found that I enjoy the album more when I don't listen to it by itself, but instead when I play it along with the rest of TBDM's back catalog. The tracks just don't seem to mesh well on the album, but when you put your mp3 player on random you'll have no problem going from Funeral Thirst to Necropolis and back to A Vulgar Picture.
When I heard that the guys were coming out with a new album I half expected a result like this. It's the same thing that happened on Miasma. Write a great album, tour heavily, and then release another album to remain relevant and keep the record company happy. Well this time they released the well received Nocturnal, toured heavily, and in my opinion pulled this one out of the oven a little too soon. Sure they got a new guitar player, and undoubtedly they'll have to get use to writing together, but as I mentioned before this isn't the first time they've replaced a band member. Possibly it could be different because he was the lead guitar player, but I'm inclined to think that more than one member of the band plays a part in writing a song. So I'm sticking by the fact that they were touring and didn't have the ability to put forth the correct amount of concentration necessary to write a truly great album. In my opinion I think the band should finish up their touring (which seems to be well into next year) and than take a short break. I know it's tough because they are a metal band and they're not exactly raking in the big bucks, but I think in order for their next album to really wow anyone it'll have to introduce some new ideas. Not that they should change their style at all, but maybe not parade their two main musical influences so much (Carcass and At The Gates). But even with the negative aspects of the album there is a lot of good on it. I greatly enjoy the skill Trevor has found in his singing, I like how Bart's bass is being mixed a little bit louder because it can definitely stand on it's own, Shannon's drumming is still tight as fuck, and Ryan's solos and guitar skill are exactly what the band needed to push them a little bit further in the songwriting realm (although it didn't really stand out on this album I'm sure it will next time around).

Album art I give an 8/10. It was cool, but it looked like a colorful version of what was featured on the Nocturnal album. Just replace the church with the fat thing and boom. Hell, it's even in the same perspective. I'm not sure exactly what it was about the album that inspired the artist to draw this cover, but it was very well done. And I highly doubt that anyone is going to give TBDM a hard time for having a white cover. It's still not as unsettling as Immortal's Battles in the North.

Muscially I give the album a 6/10. It was good, and some songs were really technical, or featured the infectious melodies that they're known for. But overall I think most of the songwriting feel flat. Shannon seemed to be uninspired on some songs, often opting for just blasting away. The guitars seemed to be mushed together instead of being a harmonizing beast like it was on Nocturnal. I'm not sure why because the albums were produced by the same person. The bass was louder and I think that's great, but so was Trevor's voice which I feel should be put back within the music instead of on top of it. The solos were hit or miss, but were still more technical than they ever were before. The fact that Ryan is proficient in finger tapping is noticeable because on previous albums it sounded like every note of the solo was being picked, and that kind of took away from it's flow.

Overall that gives the album a 14/20 - 7/10. Fans of TBDM will surely want to pick the album up, and even people who have never heard them before will find certain tracks that they really like. It will remain in the shadow of Nocturnal (no pun intended), but I would even place Unhallowed above this effort. The album isn't bad, so don't take my review wrong. They are still one of my favorite metal bands, and I look forward to seeing them play these songs this winter. Metal and winter, is there no better marriage?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

A Triumphant Ballad About Anal

Sure it's an easy topic to make jokes about, but how many people go so far as to include a 3 piece string accompaniment, Scott Baio, and a music video with a seemingly high video production budget for their funny song about accidentally poking a girl in her brown eye with a stick? This mother fucker apparently.

Monday, September 21, 2009

If you tell anybody. About our little secret. I'll kill your dog.

Stranger danger. A wonderful PSA educating kids about how everyone is out to rape them. How they got these actors to say some of these lines and keep a straight face is beyond me. Hell, they don't even want kids to help old ladies with heavy bags. I don't remember running into any of these types of people when I was little. But if someone showed me this video when I was 8, I'd fucking never go outside.



I dunno, I think I'd be alright if that blond wanted me to go back to her car with her. Either I get to check out some older lady's titties, or we get to play with her sweet GameBoy. But if any kid actually needs a video to tell them to run away from that goofy ass looking guy who was "famous", than they are already lost. Him and his poofy hair and big black shades just scream pedophile. I'm just hoping that I wasn't the only kid who didn't have a secret word that they shared with their mom to let them know when it really was them that was sending a message. I mean, what the hell was that? Like anyone could remember some stupid secret word after they had just been in a traumatizing, life threatening car accident. I'm inclined to thinking that you'd probably forget that little failsafe when you took a windshield to the face. But give it up for the child rapists, they sure are creative!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Ann Interviews Marduk

I don't know much about Scrapple.TV, but they have some of the nicest interviewers ever. How nice? Little old lady nice. I'm not even kidding. Ann Bailey has to be in her 60's, and she got the opportunity to interview what is probably one of the most blasphemous black metal, nay, any type of metal band. How blasphemous are they? I mean come on, there are so many bands out there that say "satan this" and "God's dead" that, but how many of them have a song called Christraping Black Metal or Jesus Christ Sodomized? Well those are only a few of the gems Marduk have up their sleeve, er spiked gaunlet. Check out the interview cause it goes from Marduk asking the audience to join the band with Satan (followed by a gnarly scream) to Ann giving him a poem she wrote, to her giving him dining tips (they were in Philly, so naturally she tells them to go for some cheese steaks). Watch it you fucking fucks!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Ask Propecia

Not since Paul Mooney did the Negrodamus skit on Chappelle's show have I seen a black person give such relevant insight into people's lives. Oh, and she is a crack head.

Coffee Shop Ramblings


A new feature. And maybe one that I'll do more than once. Coffee shop Ramblings. Here I am, a commuting college student. There's no way I'm driving an hour home after just getting up here an hour ago so that I can drive an hour back here to go to work 5 hours from now. Fuck that. So that leaves me here. In this fucking shitty university coffee shop. It's got a Starbucks, some Apple computers to get on, a stage that is never used, a pool table, and it's newest feature: construction next door. Each ramble I plan on attaching a cell phone camera taken picture, and a lengthy diatribe in which I'll continue to hate everyone around me.

Last week I showed you what very well may have been Chris Chandler's brother. Today, I plan on talking about this annoying fucking douchebag playing pool with this clearly gay kid. This kid doesn't shut the fuck up. I'm pretty sure he thinks he's being funny saying things in weird voices and bouncing around the table, but he's fucking annoying. He's doing his best to impress this girl that obviously came with the gay kid. She's not really into pool, and you can tell by the glazed look on her face that she knows she's destined to end up with a tool like this kid because she chose to go to this craptacular state school. And how is he trying to impress her? Pretending he's some phenomenal pool shark, and making many, many references to his balls like it's some hilarious innuendo because they're called "pool balls". That'll work. If there's one thing women like it's when you talk about your balls, and make gestures about them. Oh, and how did Shallow Gene-Pool-Shark Hal get here? By riding on his fucking Razor scooter. I'm not kidding. Who even rides fucking Razor scooters that isn't in 2nd grade or some faggy hipster trying to be ironic. I remember when people thought that these scooters were the shit. My grandma bought all of her grandchildren one. The problem was that the age span between all the grandchildren was like 5-20. I told my grandma this shit was lame, and then I tried to do a handle-bar spin while I made a jump off the curb. And if this other kid isn't a gay than I don't know what is. He's wearing a fucking pink polo, and what looks like some type of moccasin/loafer thing. Like some metro-sexual fucking native American named Arrow That Shoots Both Ways crafted these shoes while on peyote induced vision quest that he took back when he thought that he might go to community college for interior design. Soundtrack by Tangerine Dream.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Jennifer



Fresh from her role as the woman in my dreams that rides up to me on a tiger, topless, sword in hand like a scene straight out of Heavy Metal, Megan fucking Fox stars in a new movie called Jennifer's Body. I don't have the scoop on the movie, I didn't see a premiere, I don't even know when it comes out, and I'm pretty sure that the scene where you might see her tits got cut out in production, BUT what I do know (although completely unrelated to Megan Fox) is that the trailer and title of the this movie reminds me of something I've heard before. So I checked out the premise of the movie and it's pretty much about her becoming possessed by a demon and then either killing or sexing or sexily killing a bunch of people, especially all the boys that want to be sexily killed by her. Hmm. Where have I heard about a girl named Jenifer that was sexily killing people and acting a fool, er, demon. Oh that's right! It was probably on Pig Destroyer's Prowler in the Yard album, where the first song (aptly titled Jennifer) and end of the last song (Piss Angel) tell a tale of a gal named Jennifer who is doing some crazy sexy demon killing stuff. Let's have a listen.




Hmm. Well when the movie comes out, and I don't watch it, I'll be waiting for people to talk about the scene where Megan Fox licks the eyeballs of another girl. JR Hayes should be getting some credit from the writers of this movie. Of course, if the movie sucks than I'll completely disconnect it from having anything to do with Pig Destroyer.

This is disgusting, it's pornography.

No, No, No. This is beautiful. This is art.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Shit You Should Be Listening To

30 seconds to mars, Yellow Card, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Finger Eleven. All gay. Don't listen to that shit. You're much better off taking my suggestions. Unfortunately the band that I'm gonna recommend today is no longer with us, but it doesn't change the fact that the only full length they released before breaking up was one of the best indie rock albums to come out in the 2000's. "New" Terror Class, who were formally Harriet The Spy before breaking up after releasing their one full length and a rough touring schedule (including many many basements), put out "Did You Hear That We Fucked?" which continued where Harriet The Spy left off. I looked around on youtube to see if anyone had posted a song or two by "New" Terror Class, but there was nothing. Hell, there's barely anything up by Harriet The Spy. But if you're into indie rock along the likes of The Jesus Lizard, Tomahawk, The Sounds, or anything like that then you'll probably love Harriet the Spy and "New" Terror Class. I decided to post one of "New" Terror Class's songs that I like, I Believe it's On, which is pretty much just making fun of the people who would of liked "You Got Served" and those who actually live that kind of retarded life style even though the movie was released in 2004 and the album was released in 2001. "New" Terror Class took being a smart-ass to a new level.

Fixed it...

I now have the internet. On my new laptop. Fuck is it ever fast. That is all.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Update on Possible CWC Sibling

So I did one of those hold the phone up to your ear and take the picture moves, and I was able to get a few snaps of the guy. Of course because I was unable to actually aim the camera only one of them came through with any bit of clarity. Even then, this picture is blurry. But I figured it was better blurry, cause it's like a big foot picture. Or you can think like Mitch Hedberg and just think that the guy is blurry in real life, which is of course scarier.


So here's the snapshot of the guy. I gotta do this quickly because he's still sitting next to me and I don't want him to see that I took a photo of him and then he'll go into some type of retard rage and use his retard strength to retard rape me. Nope, definitely gonna wanna avoid that.




The picture doesn't really do him justice, but
Yes those are rapist glasses
Yes his hair is greasy
Yes he's wearing a striped collared shirt just like CWC
No he has no pendant (that's visible)
No he doesn't have a sign sitting in front of him asking for a boyfriend-free galpal
And no, I'm not sure if he indeed CAN feel the cosmos, and frankly I'm afraid to ask.

But I mean come on. Look at the two pictures next to each other. They're like twins. And if there is indeed more than one Christian Weston Chandler in the universe, than I no longer want to live.

Different Strokes



Here's a great link that strives to finally tell the differences between white people and black people. It's funny, and true. Click here to see the flash animation that will finally tell you how it really is.

The Internet, Life, and I

Way too long since I posted last. My bad. I got a new laptop (a Toshiba Satellite L505 from Best Buy for $561 after taxes, so far I'd highly recommend it) and for some reason I can't just unplug the Ethernet cable from my old laptop and plug it into my new one. Go figure. The reason I had to get a new one is because my old computer is entirely too slow. It'd take me hours to just do one post because my computer literally would go to a screeching halt if I had too many windows open at once. Twas a good laptop at one time, but oh how quickly they become obsolete and riddled with spyware/viruses from your favorite porn sites. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to get a router, which of course will cost money. Since I just dropped 500+ on this laptop it might be a little till I actually buy the router. I could call Comcast about it, but they're mostly incompetent and I really don't like dealing with people that I can't understand. So, for now, I'll be updating probably no more than every Monday, and Wednesday when I can get free wireless internet connection from my shitty college's shitty coffee shop. What's worse is I don't like coffee, and if you couldn't already guess it, I really hate the people that you find in coffee shops. Sometimes I just want a normal fucking bagel with cream cheese that will inevitably give me the breakfast shits, yet I have to wait 15 minutes for it because Sally took orders from every fuck person in her office and none of them ordered anything that can't be said one sentence. Assholes. Plus, right now I'm sitting next to a kid that could very well be the brother of Christian Weston Chandler

I don't think I'll be able to get a picture of him without him noticing, but I'll probably try. Whose idea was it to make your phone make that "taking a picture" noise when you click the button anyway? It's a fucking phone, there's not an ol' timey lens on it that has to shut, there's no film in it...why the fuck does it have to make that noise? Now everyone can tell when you're trying to take a picture of them. I don't need that kind of pressure from the multitude of freaks that I take pictures of everyday.
Well, let me get started on updating this fucking shitty blog. The belly of the beast has been empty for far too long.