Justin Bieber Gets His...Just Desserts

Here's a video of that faggot Justin Bieber getting hit in the face by a pack of sour patch kids wrapped in a T-Shirt. Some dumb young cunt was either A: too stupid to know how to throw the object into his arms or at his feet so she hit in the face, or B: too stupid to know to fill the t-shirt with a much heavier object them a pack of sour patch kids, like a brick or an angry midget.

Asshole Dancing in the Middle of the Street Gets His...Just Desserts

Here's a video of some likely unemployed asshole getting hit by an ice cream truck because he decided to dance in the middle of the street. Prime example of cause and effect. Oh, and it's set to the music from Inception.

Fuck the New Karate Kid

Hollywood can suck my balls. Remakes are queer. Have some fucking creativity for christ sake. Oh that movie was popular in the past, let's remake it so it's popular again. Charlie and the chocolate factory, teenage mutant ninja turtles, karate kid, the day the earth stood still. Fuck why not just do Casablanca and Wizard of Oz (which I'm betting is going to be the next one. Only it'll be a gayer musical and the wizard will be black). That's why I'm all for this next clip actually turning into a movie. Instead of the new Karate kid, people should watch Jackie Chan kicking the shit out of people who don't know the difference between Karate and Kung Fu. Namely, the hollywood assholes, but mostly the kids playing the roles. Even if I loved The 3 Ninjas when I was like 10. I'd love even more to see Jackie Chan blow them up with his REAL skills.

Family Time ist Krieg

This'll be me in like 10 years. Definitely. I'm gonna have the most metal kid ever.

What You Thought Was Wrong

The camera has the perfect frame and is ready to roll. All your friends, most of which are your older brothers friends, are waiting for you to finally have the balls to olly the staircase. It's been done before, hell, you've even done it before, but now the camera is rolling and you know it's make it or break it time. You thought you'd impress the older guys, and be a role model for the younger ones. You thought you had enough practice, and all the conditions were right. You thought you could olly the staircase and not get hurt. But, for blood balls sake, what you thought was wrong. And now you're "bleeding out your fucking balls".

121 foot rule

For those of you "gun people" out there who didn't already get the message from "creepy backyard knife guy" in his original video, here's your chance.
But now you've got another threat. What happens when your enemy is 121 feet away? Are you gonna be able to identify the target and take him out before he puts his 8" chef knife through your chest?

The 121 foot rule

Green Day On Ice: As Gay As It Sounds

In case you haven't heard, some gays who also like Green Day thought it'd be a great idea to take the gayness that is Green Day and gay it up further by making a Broadway production called American Idiot. I didn't see it. I haven't read anything about it. They're a horrible band, and the play is, undoubtedly, about as punk as a nun. The only thing worse then having a Broadway musical based off of 31 of Green Day's songs, would be an ice show. Complete with a punk rock fairy.

Japan: Still Fucked Up

If you've been following this blog for awhile you'd already know about the Japanese Bug Fights, and how epically awesome they are. It seems like everything Japan does is over the top. Every faucet of their media seemingly has that one little part of it that just takes it to the next hilarious or disgusting level. So one would not be surprised that their pornography would follow suit. Avant Garde media outlet VBS provides a video short on one specific form of Japanese pornography: Genki. Video is NSFW.

View Here

Pug Fight

This is some straight up Michael Vick shit. Check out these vicious ass pugs as they go at each others throats and shit!

Can't Script This

No comment. You hear me?

How to be Less Productive

Everybody loves the video game Super Mario Bros. But how much more awesome is the game if you play it as one of the other famous characters from NES gaming? Link, Megaman, and a few others from Nintendo history team up with Mario (SMB 2 style) in Super Mario Crossover to travel through all 8 worlds and save the Princess in their own unique style.

Die in a Car Fire

I don't really recall how I came across it; I think I went to the iTunes store and just clicked on the album cover cause it looked like some transgendered emo kid was on the cover, and for some reason I hate myself so I clicked on it. It was all a blur to me anyway. What matters is that I've come across what may be one of the most horrible genres of music ever. It's like emo-techno-pop. You take one faggy scene kid, give him a vocoder and some cheap software to make some beats and basically you've got it. I can honestly say it is some of the worst garbage I've ever heard. And, I hope they all die in a car fire for making this music. Not because I ever have to hear it again, trust me that won't be the case. But because somewhere, someone actually listens to this shit. And the only reason I can think of as to why they would do that is because they don't know any better. There can be no other option. No one in their right mind, who has any taste in music can listen to this shit and say "thank god, this is the anthem I've been looking for. Generic beats with faggy scene kids using a vocoder. Oh boy."
So here's a make shift list of bands that I'm not gonna wish death upon, but I wouldn't really be upset if their vehicle got hit by an airplane full of bears. Even if they survived it, I'd be fine with that. Because no one could survive getting in an accident, where a plane full of bears falls from the sky and some how crashes into your car, and write this shitty music. No one.

Hurry! Let's Go


The Medic Droid


Blood on the Dance Floor


Scene Kidz


Jeffree Star


All of them. Terrible. Die. Please.

America: Getting Fatter and Gayer, One Day at a Time

America used to be the home of the brave. Men used to lie about their age so they could join the army and fight for our country. And women did some brave stuff too, but for right now I want to just talk about men. Growing up, boys would think up new games to play outside: war, army ball, who can hit a squirrel with a rock. They used to fight when getting ready to play football outside and their friend said they were gonna be Reggie White, when they themselves wanted to be Reggie White. But more importantly they were outside. Kids also used to get the shit beat out of them. I should know. I was only born in '87 and I got smacked, and kicked around my bedroom. I can only imagine the ass whoppings that my parents got. Now if you look around, kids are being babied until they finally graduate college. Pee Wee football practices are quiet, when they used to be full of coaches yelling at the fat left tackle to get his ass off the line and make the block. Backyards where pick up games of Pickle used to be played are now empty. I've driven down countless neighborhood roads and never once have I had to wait for a couple of guys to yell "car" as they ran to get their hockey net out of the way.
Instead, parents are coddling their offspring, and not conditioning them for life. It's more then just having lazy kids who'd rather play video games than flashlight tag. It's more then having games where kids can't lose so no one's self esteem is hurt. It's even more then P.E. classes doing away with dodgeball because fat, nonathletic kids are getting pegged by hard rubber balls. What it's coming down to is the fact that we are raising our boys to be bratty, self-important, fat, lazy, and increasingly less masculine turd nuggets.
And it has nothing to do with being gay. If you're gay, you're gay. But what I'm getting at is our nation is turning into a field of vaginas. If the children are the future, we're fucked. These kids aren't even allowed to lose a game of soccer because points aren't kept, how the hell are they going to lead our country through the significantly tougher times in life?
There are so many whiny, fat ass brats around these days it's ridiculous. You can't even go out to a restaurant anymore without seeing some overweight dough-boy playing his gameboy at the dinner table. I was never allowed to have anything with me at the dinner table, not even a hat. But what the hell else is the kid going to do when you let him sit in front of the TV all day at home, and then in the mini-van on the ride to the restaurant?
In short, we're fucked. Kids are getting fatter and gayer. And eventually they're all going to turn into this little queen:


I can't believe how long and gay this video is.

Be the parent your parents weren't. We should all strive to be stricter then our parents before us. It's the only way we can reverse the process. Take their toys away. Make them go outside. Yell at them when they're bad. Tell them to stop being pussies when they cry cause they didn't win. Stop putting food and games in front of them so you don't have to be bothered raising them. Otherwise you're just churning out another pussy that'll never be able to make it in the real world.

Shotgun Harley: All That is Man

This funny or die skit is supposed to be an old 80's sitcom that got canceled. I say we get it on air right away. Television could use more gratuitous shotgun violence.

Fuck Them: Steampunkers

For awhile now I've been on the fence post about this whole "steampunk" fad. For those of you who don't know, steam punk is a style of art, fashion, etc. that revolves around Victorian era shit like machinery, or even just the fashion. Here are some examples.







What a bunch of fucking assholes. They have no idea how fucking stupid they look. What, did you just come off the set of Wild Wild West you shit heads? No, well then take off those ridiculous looking goggles. I may not know much about fashion, but I do know this. It's cyclic. In the late 90's everyone wanted to look like they were from the 60's and 70's with the bell bottoms and the return of the VW Beetle and all that shit. Then more recently people wanted to look like they were from the 80's and early 90's with their bright colored hipster pants, and the return of retardly colored Nike hi-tops. I even think those stupid multi-colored watches came back for like a week. Swatches or some shit. I don't know. And I don't care. Fuck them, they're gay. So I guess now that they're done emulating the 90's it's time to jump in the fucking time machine again and go back in time for inspiration. Only this time we're gonna pillage the 1800's. Wonderful. That makes perfect sense. There's a reason no one was wearing big fucking dresses, bulky coats, and goggles these days. It's fucking stupid and impractical. Why do you need those goggles? What are you commuting to work on your flying machine?

The worst part about steampunk is that it's killing itself. The above pictures are the shitty part about steampunk, because otherwise it could have been fucking cool. Really cool. Look at this shit.









Fuck yes that's a retro stormtrooper. And if you don't think that's cool then fuck you. So I can see why this type of trend could catch on. For art that is. Fashion wise it's ridiculous. It may actually be the final thing that bridges the gap between nerds and fucking hipsters. Which means hipsters now include people who wear old fashion looking vests and goggles and carry around their Nintendo DS with Pokemon in it. Spread the word.

The final tipping point for me of whether steampunk shit was gonna be cool, or piss me off was this video. Apparently there's a "band" that's too steampunk for you. They're so steampunk it's like they practically invented steampunk. They're so steampunk it exudes out of every pore in their collective bodies. How do I know they're sooo steampunk? Cause the fucking narrator/band member has to call the band and in turn himself steampunk in every fucking sentence.



I'm in Abney Park and we're a steampunk band and our clothes are steampunk and our music is steampunk and our instruments are steampunk and my hair is steampunk and the way I talk is steampunk and the way I fuck is steampunk and the way we record albums is steampunk and the way she dances is steampunk and I know we used to be a faggy goth band but now we're steampunk because steampunk is sooo cool and sooo punk. Steampunk.

Fuck it. Now it's gay. Now I hate it. Now I even hate that retro storm trooper. I'm lying. I love it. But still, I hate steampunk. If it was just a tattoo thing, or an art movement then that'd be one thing. But now it's a music genre too? Nope. I'll never call a band a "steampunk" band. Not just because it sounds gay, but because I have way too much respect for real punks to use the word punk to label something so shitty. If you have to call yourself punk, you're not punk. If you try to make up your own music genre, and add punk to it because you think what you are doing is akin to the punk movement of the late 70's and 80's, then you're not punk. And if you make music as terrible as Abney Park does, then you shouldn't even be alive. That was horrible.

If you want more information evidence of how nerdy/gay/retarded/and un-punk steampunk is, go to this website: http://www.steampunkmagazine.com/forum/index.php

Look through the forums, especially at all the pictures. What do you see? People who probably frequent the Renaissance Fair on a regular basis? The same looking people who 3 years ago were all into everything Japanese and had their Narato patches or whatever. I'm not a doctor, but it looks like cancer to me. Steampunk was dying since birth, and I'll be happy to see it go. I don't want badass retro stormtroopers being in the same category as some dragoncon attending fucks.

Worst Video of the Week

Here's a video of man, I presume, covered in peanut butter. He's peanut butter man.



No idea if it's the same guy who did the latex spiderman videos.

It's a Holiday

St. Patricks day. Woohoo. Fuck it. I'm not Irish. The Irish were almost wiped out by a potato famine. Famine meaning no more food, and potato meaning the side dish. The appetizer. The other ingredient in that soup you like. You live on a fucking island, and you all almost died because there were no chips for your fish. I don't even know if fish and chips are things that Irish eat, or if that's just Scottish people and the English. Fuck it. I have a friend that's Scottish and he said the Irish are fuckers. So let's all drink. Further more, if you haven't seen this video already today posted every-fucking-where, then watch it here. Not cause you're Irish, or you like to pretend that because you're great great great grandpa was half Irish that this holiday means anything to you, but more so because it's one of my favorite videos of Olde. And it's about a leprechaun and I enjoy how they belittle Ireland's people. Except for that band Altar of Plauges. They kick ass. Happy St. Patrick's day.

Edit: also, this music video is relentless in it's bad-assitry.

Now it's Time to...Kick Out the Grande Days, Mother Fuckers!

Time might not have been good to poor old Rob Tyner (rip), but he wouldn't of had it any other way. Cause he kicked a lot of ass in his grande days. Here, not so much.

Album Reviews: Black Metal Roundup

To save you, and myself, the burden of an onslaught of album reviews being posted one after the another, and each being way too long as most of my album reviews are, I decided to consolidate all of the "black metal" albums into one large review. This will save you time, and me typing. So let's get started on THE BLACKEST ALBUM REVIEWS OF ALL TIME.

Ernest Hemingway once said "All things truly wicked start from innocence." Hunter S Thompson once said "For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampled." Being that both of these literary giants were the predominant lyrical influence on Cobalt's 3rd full length, I find these quotes to sum up the album perfectly. Cobalt is made up of multi-instrumentalist Erik Wunder and singer/guitarist Phil McSorely. Both hailed from Colorado, but as of right now Erik find his home in New York city and Phil is right now going where ever the Army takes him. That's right, Phil McSorely is a military officer (a Sergeant to be exact). And in today's times of constant war, being in the Army can surely take it's toll on anyone both physically and mentally (hence the Thompson quote). But, more importantly, these two are leading the way in the fairly new American Black Metal Scene (sometimes called post-black metal, sometimes called American Wave). Gin is quite the aural exploration, even at only 8 tracks (technically there are 61, but all but the last of those extra tracks are silent, and the last track is just a few samples being played together). The album starts off with the title track, and one of Hemmingway's favorite drinks: Gin. As I'm not an avid reader, let alone an avid reader of Hemmingway or Thompson, I really have no idea where the lyrics are going with this album. They toy with ideas of Nietzsche, broken relationships, and likely some metaphors. The music is black metal-esque, but would likely not be called TRVE enough for the folks who only listen to bands that sound like Funeral Mist. But if you like your Black Metal to be different, somewhat uncomfortable, and you don't need to hear constant blast beats and tremelo picking then Gin is the album for you. I give it a 8/10 for music, and a 9/10 for artwork. Very cool album and one of my favorites out of the dozen or so CD's that I bought in the past month or two.


Altar of Plagues hails from the not so black metal Ireland, and offer up White Tomb as their first full length. Musically White Tomb is very atmospheric, and will catch the ears of fans of Wolves in the Throne Room (whose review is coming up). The album has 4 tracks, usually spanning around the 10 min plus mark, but is not littered with sprawling guitar noises as is often evident with bands labeled as "atmospheric". Simply put, this band gets their point across with their music in such a way that you are taken in by the atmosphere of the sound. As I mentioned before, they are much like WITTR, and as such one can expect ripping guitars, perpetual blast beats, and traditional but not generic black metal vocals. Clearly they've taken much inspiration from Darkthrone and Burzum with their melodic yet minimalistic approach to blackness, but also have their moments of Khante-like blackened doom. The album, I believe, is lyrically about nature being pissed, and of course some other depressive themes. Thankfully they stay original enough to not just be a WITTR knock-off. Fans of the fore mentioned black metal bands, and even bands like Year of No Light should enjoy this album greatly. I give it a 9/10 because it's a really palatable version of so many other black metal styles. It's like the pu-pu platter of black metal. But, just like a pu-pu platter, there's a sauce that ties it all together so it's not just a disjointed mess. For White Tomb it's the fact that they move so fluidly from one style to another, the melodies are very memorable, and the music is just uncomfortable enough to gain your interest in the obvious inspirations. I give the artwork a 5/10 for being kinda generic. Powerlines amongst clouds in that almost sepia tone is sort of played out. I think Godspeed You! Black Emperor did that back on F#A# ∞.


Wolves in the Throne room are America's blackest beacon of a burgeoning black metal state-side scene. Up until now we really haven't offered that much when it comes to relevant black metal. But even some CVLT Norwegians think WITTR are cool. And how could you not? There's no synths gaying anything up (early Emperor aside), no over production, thick guitars constantly set on double-picking, and what can only be described as landscapes of melodic black metal. WITTR do us proud again on Black Cascade. Though production is a little better, and their moniker has since become less enigmatic, we get more of the same from these eco-friendly Americans. The only issue I have with the album is the overall lack of tempo change which causes these 10minute plus songs to become a little indiscernible, although still enjoyable. For that I give the music a 6/10. The artwork is very cool to look at, even if I don't know what I'm looking at, so I give it a 8/10.


Armada by Norway's own Keep of Kalessin was definitely the shocker out of all the black metal albums I got, mostly because it was starkly different then what I expected from a Norwegian black metal band. That's not to say KoK isn't a black metal band, but after their two break ups, band leader and guitarist Obsidian C decided to also dabble in a little bit of thrash and power metal. Now, if one were to try and label the band you'd see KoK devotees shouting that they are Blackend Thrash while fans of their original line up screaming about them selling out like so many other black metal bands before them. As a side note, selling out in the black metal world usually consists of beyond basement recording studio production, introducing any clean-sounding vocals, or simply not having your new album sound like any of your former, "Trver" black metal attempts; as was the case with Dimmu Borgir, Satyricon, and many others. Black metal fans can be a fickle and unforgiving crowd. But even I was shocked when listening to Armada. It's not a bad album, but it's not what I had in mind after I was told by many of my friends that KoK were the shit (they were of course referring to earlier recordings like Through Times of War). There are still many black metal elements, some of the fastest drumming I've heard, great guitar parts, and most of the melodies are even memorable. Fans of the black metal bands generally labeled as sell outs will surely enjoy this CD. And I would expect some of the stricter fans of BM to enjoy a select few tracks while skipping over less black songs like "many are we" with it's "let's all work together to fight for this cause" lyrics. On Armada, KoK toy with more "viking metal" themes then the anti-christian ones usually attributed to BM, and create epic sagas about winning wars and such. To their credit the album doesn't get repetitious and boring, but some of the middle tracks won't be making their way onto anyone's "blackest black metal of satan hell fuck death" play lists anytime soon. For getting kinda lame in the middle of the album (and as a testament to how strong the other tracks are) I give the music a 6/10, and the artwork a 6/10 for being kind of cool but too "300" to be original. Plus, what ever happened to their cool ass moniker? Now they're using some normal script, which is no where near as bad ass. Black Metal monikers ist krieg.


Black metal giants, and uber anti-christians Marduk unleashed Wormwood on us in 2009 with a penchant for disgusting black metal sludgerry over top of their former, and aptly titled, panzer-style metal. If you thought Panzer Division Marduk was absolutely perfect, and didn't get monotonous with it's one constant christ-rapping speed then you will likely not dig this album much. If however you felt that era of Marduk to be lacking distinguishing features, and Rom 5:12 caught your interest, then Wormwood will be right up your black alley. It still has it's moments of pure blast beating bad assery, but they don't shy from slowing it down a little bit to allow Mortuus to do his thing (his thing being Attila style noise making). Overall I think this is one of the best performances Mortuus has had with Marduk, like he is actually comfortable with being in the band and is no longer the "new guy". Not that he likely ever had feelings of being the "new guy", cause after all he is Arioch from Funeral Mist, but I'm sure there's some amount of coming into your own that had to of occurred. This reinvented Marduk is in my opinion their strongest form yet. And the stellar production does not take away from the albums "trveness". Bass lines are thick and present (listen to that tasty groove in As a Garment. That's right, a tasty black metal bass line), guitar wails and buzzes, the drums percuss precisely, and Mortuus's vocals are just damning. A Chorus of Cracking Necks has to be one of my favorite tracks, and perfectly exemplifies their new direction. The only thing this album is guilty of is feeling too short. But that just means I'll have to spin it again. I give the music on the album a 8/10, and the artwork a 7/10 for being exactly what I expected from Marduk: Grimy, somewhat perverse, and blasphemic.


Krallice are from New York city and contain (amongst other players) masterful guitarist Mick Barr and the man of many bands Colin Marston, who generally plays bass or a warr guitar in his other outfits, but can be found playing a guitar here. This is their self-titled album that I picked up and not their newer cut. I got this one because I heard it was the better of the two, and what better way to introduce yourself to a new band then to pick up their best work. And what a work it is. While it's definitely not pure black metal, it keeps in the same template. There are blast beats, double picking, screeching vocals, musical landscapes are made, but there's something strange here: harmony. It's a little weird to hear two guitars and a bass harmonizing with each other instead of just all playing the same thing when listening to black metal. That's what makes Krallice a little more experimental then kvlt black metallist are likely to enjoy. The guitar parts are more mesmerizing then they are frost-bitten, and a certain level of open mindedness will be needed to fully enjoy this epic album. But truly what's more black metal then pushing the envelope? Were not the first black metal bands striving to play a different style of death metal? So kudos to Krallice (and some of the other bands on this list) for not just churning out another A Blaze in the Northern Sky copy. I give this album a 7/10 for being original, but somewhat trying on the ears. It's not likely an album you can just pick up and listen to. It will require some amount of thinking. The artwork gets a 6/10 cause there's nothing that special about it.

So the final overall tally of music + album art winds up being:

Cobalt- Gin: 17/20
Altar of Plagues- White Tomb: 14/20
Wolves in the Throne Room- Black Cascade: 14/20
Keep of Kalessin- Armada: 12/20
Marduk- Wormwood: 15/20
Krallice- S/T: 13/20

Despite the numbers, because they of course reflect album art and not how listenable each album is, I'd have to say that Altar of Plagues' White Tomb was my favorite, followed by Cobalt's Gin. I highly recommend picking up these albums to anyone who enjoys metal. Even if you're not totally into black metal, you'll likely still enjoy these albums.

How to be Less Productive

As if I needed an excuse not to frequently update, here's a great way to pass the time: UpL8TV. Watch random videos. It's fun.

Worst Video of the Week

Spider man. Spider man. Does whatever a spider can. Latex suit...rubbing his legs...breathing deeply...holy fuck. Venom too?

President's Day

What a bull shit holiday. I didn't even get off work today, but seemingly every other asshole in the world did, because they were all at my job being dicks. The only way I'm going to celebrate any president is if someone animates a music video for a sweet ass rap about them.





Well I'll be damned. Thank you Brad Neely.

India Does it Better

Thriller has always been seen as one of Michael Jackson's greatest songs. And the music video that accompanied it has even been called the best music video of all time. Clearly the only reason Thriller received such accolades is because of the limited exposure Indian artists were getting at the time, because Thriller hasn't got shit on Golimar.

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It

From the same creative minds that just brought us Turkey Cheese Fries comes another music video for the song Jet Stream. While it's in a completely different genre of music than the fore mentioned tribute to a snack food favorite, you'll find that the weirdness has not stopped; In fact, it may have doubled. But let's not question it, let's just enjoy it. "JET STREAM, FLYING HIGH ON YOU!"

Turkey Cheese Fries

Flawless Victory.

What You Thought was Wrong

The WWE was your life. You watched it religiously and had definitely had a favorite wrestler: John Cena. You knew all his mannerisms, had an MP3 of his entrance music, and even a matching out fit. For some reason someone agreed to video tape you pretending to be him and post it on the internet. Surely everyone would think you were a total badass, just like your hero. But, like so many fat kids before you, what you thought was wrong.

Worst Video...of the Week

Don't really know if this is going to be another running topic for me to neglect like Battle of the Internets or Favorite Video of Olde, but I'm a sucker for organization and really bad at thinking of titles for blog posts. So what I'm planning to do here is simple. I find a video that is horrible, I post it. I usually do find a video at least once a week that is disgusting/stupid/poorly made/hilarious-for-the-wrong-reasons, so I'll do my best to make sure and post them here.

I'm gonna start off strong this week with this video. Horse Fuckers.

Fuck Avatar; Ong Bak III is Coming!

I know I haven't even gotten around to posting about the awesomeness that was Ong Bak II (yes I saw it, yes it was awesome, no I probably won't post a review because I'm lazy), but that's not even important anymore because all I can think about right now is ONG BAK III motha fucka! And what do we have to look forward too in Ong Bak III? More ass kicking, more ass kicking on and/or with elephants, and apparently a resurrection that completely destroys whatever it was that Jesus did. So all you Avatards out there need to quit pining over Pandora or whatever the fuck was the name of Avatar-land and be sad that you aren't living in Thailand with Tony Jaa. Check. It. Out!

This Will Blow Your Minds

Dan Deacon, he's clearly not new, but I'm clearly not up-to-date on what all the cool art school kids are up to these days. He's a music performer from Baltimore that specializes in mushroom trips as expressed by computer wham-doodlin. I cannot really explain it further then that; the music is just hypnotizing, even if it doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

What You Thought Was Wrong

You were an overweight red haired kid with a pale complexion standing in the backyard. Holding the camera above your head, you had remarkable stability. Stability as in the camera shaking, not mental stability. Because you, as evident in the video, were not mentally stable. You were an angry young man, some would say fiery, and you had a message that you needed to convey to everyone picking on you at school, nay, you had a message for the world. That you thought ginger's have souls too. But, with the help of the theme song from Braveheart, it was evident that what you thought was wrong.



And now, for the first time ever, a rebuttal...broski.



Does anyone else think he kind of talks like Kenny Powers from East Bound and Down?

Album Review: God is Good

I admit to being new to the whole stoner metal genre. For most of my youth it was the faster the better. But bands like Clutch and Black Sabbath always remained some of my most favorite bands. It was while exploring some Clutch videos on youtube that I first came across the mighty Sleep. A fan had taken their track Holy Mountain and had it playing over an edited video of a trippy movie called Holy Mountain. The song was crushingly heavy so I decided to give the whole album a go, and immediately fell in love with it. Unfortunately for all of us fans of Sleep, they have since disbanded. Guitarist Matt Pike moved on to play in High on Fire, and drummer Chris Hakius and singer/bassist Al Cisneros went on to form the feature band of this review: Om.



God is Good is the band's 4th full length studio album, and first with replacement drummer Emil Amos. It spans 34 minutes over top of 4 tracks, 19 of which are dedicated to the first track alone. Not exactly packed full of new material, but none of their albums ever have as 4 tracks is actually the longest any of their albums have ever been. When you hear that the first track is 19 minutes long, you can kind of figure that it could literally count for 3-4 normal sized tracks, but I don't. If you make one song it will have one over all theme- no matter how long. Plus when you only have a bass and drums it's not like the songs are overly complex. But don't take that as nit-picking. I just REALLY want to hear more from these guys.

The first track is titled Thebes. And let me just say right now, if you aren't really up to date on all the mythologies/ancient holy texts and such than the lyrics will make no sense to you, as the didn't to me. But it doesn't matter. The musicianship is tremendous, and it would have to be for just a rhythm section to keep you interested for all 34 minutes of the album. Unlike most tracks of Thebes' size, it's not broken down into many smaller parts, or movements. In fact I'd say there's only really two parts to it, but they flow together so fluently that you don't really catch that you're listening to a different melody until it's already been played through for a couple of minutes. The style of music can only be described as Eastern. Aside from over all song structure, there's even a tambura playing here and there in all the tracks. It's sort of what you'd expect to hear if you were watching a movie where someone was in India doing something around the holy lands. There's also some Tibetan throat singing too. Al's contribution to the singing is an even more laid back talking/chant than it was back in Sleep.
The next song is my favorite on the album: Meditation is the Practice of Death. What a stellar track. I admit, it's not music for everyone, but if you like stoner rock and just want to be in a laid back mood- this is the song for you. I don't even smoke weed and I already know what it's like to be high after hearing this song. The lyrics are crazy to someone like me who has no idea of the stories or texts that he's pulling the ideas from. The bass line is thick, and the only thing that's gonna cut it up is the sharp ride cymbal hits from Emil.
The last two tracks are all instrumental, aside from the occasional chant or throat singing. The first of the two, Cremation Ghat I, is dominated by percussion in the first half, and some chanting in the second half. The second track, aptly titled Cremation Ghat II is largely string instrument dominated and features the most use of the tambura.

Overall I'm really happy I decided to take a chance with this album. It's definitely not one of those albums where you can just listen to it whenever you want to. It'll take some time out of your day if you spin this CD. More often than not you'll just play Meditation is the Practice of Death over and over as it's not as long as Thebes, but actually has singing in it unlike the Cremation Ghat tracks. The album artwork was what you would expect with this type of music. It's simple, and has the holy/ancient overtone about it. It's really a no frills band, so the no frills artwork is essentially what was needed. For that, I'd give it a 6/10. It's not spectacular, and it would have been nice to have something that you could stare at more when listening to the trance like music, but it'll suffice.
The music is very different from anything I've heard around today. Sure Intronaut touched on the whole Eastern-style of playing with Reptillian Brain, the final track on their latest album Prehistoricisms. And I'm sure there's other bands around that have too, but no one I've heard of sounds like Om. Even if there was a band around that sounded like Om, fuck 'em, cause they don't have Al Cisneros on bass. I give the music on the album a 7/10. I'd like to have more content. The album is only 34 minutes long. There's hardcore and grindcore bands that have longer albums than that. In spite of that, the music that is there is great. It's actually very relaxing to listen to, and will surely be a hit the next time your friends want to pass around the pipe.

That gives Om's God is Good a 14/20. It's a great album, and I'd recommend it to anyone who likes stoner rock, but they could have done a little bit more with it. I understand that everything about this band is minimalistic, but it should be taken as a compliment that I want more from the band. Hell, half of the music out today I don't even want to hear 3 minutes of let alone 34. So don't let the lower overall score fool you. Om is Good. Really good. And, there are rumors that Sleep is getting back together for some tours in 2010. All the more reason to hang up a black light and cop all of Om, High on Fire, and Sleep's albums.

What You Thought Was Wrong

You were a fat, mid-twenties, Midwestern man-child with a black sweat-pants suit. Your long hair was crafted into one of the finest mega-mullets under the sun. As a shy young man, enunciating your intended purpose for making a film wasn't your forte. But true warriors rarely use words, they let their swords do the talking. In spite of your attire and illustrious mane that screamed "New World Samurai", you sought help, online, for further advancement in your sword fighting. You never second guessed your hair, skill, sweat-pants suit, or fatness. Surely no one on the internet would be so shallow as to use that against you in your search for advanced swordplay. But, as is usually the case with overweight kids trying to show off their sweet skills, what you thought was wrong.

Not Even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone

It has already been well established that Alaska's Nanooks hockey team had one of the best intros of all time. But what happens when they decide to ramp up the awesome? Pure bad-assery that not even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone can accompany. More explosions, flying polar bears, aviator glasses, volcano nuking, and time riff traveling than you can shake a hockey stick at. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: The 2010 Alaska Nanook Introduction Video.

Cute Things Exploding

There's a new, to me, youtube channel called Cute Things Exploding. It's even better than Is it a Good Idea to Microwave This? Especially when you've seen one too many I Can Haz Cheezeburger pictures. I don't feel like the videos need anymore explaining then that.

Album Review: Axe to Fall

Well my package finally arrived today bringing forth 6 brand new (to me) CDs. In the coming days will likely be some type of gauntlet of album reviews whenever I feel like actually getting to them. Within my package of new music were a few oldies that I won't bother reviewing. I needed to fill out my death metal catalog so I picked up some of the classics like Death's Individual Thought Patterns, Repulsion's Horrified, and a few others. They're classics, what's there to review? But the first album that I will be reviewing is Converge's Axe to Fall. I was pretty excited to get this CD because of all the rave reviews that it got. Hell, Decibel Magazine gave it a perfect 10/10. But then again, they are known for having a massive boner for Converge. I read through the reviews and of course, on paper every song sounds like it's gonna tear my asshole open. But I didn't go to their myspace page, or check them out on Youtube to try and get a sneak peek of what the songs all sounded like. I wanted to save that for the CD. I don't know if that was a good idea or not because I think I had really high expectations for the album. I currently own zero other Converge albums, and have only occasionally heard any of their songs. This was going to be a completely new experience for me.

For those of you that don't know, Converge is a foursome of fierce fret-fuckin force from Massachusetts. They play a brand of hardcore not unlike Torche, or Coalesce. Their album Jane Doe is often credited as being one of the break through hardcore albums of the decade whose art work has even inspired hundreds of bands. Needless to say they have quite the reputation, and every album they release has quite a bar to hurdle.

Axe to Fall features a regular cornucopia of who's-who in the metal business. The amount of people that collaborated on this album is absurd. Look at this list taken from wikipedia:

* Sean Martin (ex-Hatebreed, Cage) – lead guitar, backing vocals on "Reap What You Sow"
* George Hirsch (Blacklisted) – backing vocals on "Axe to Fall"
* Steve Brodsky (Cave In) – lead guitar on "Effigy"
* Adam McGrath (Cave In) – guitars on "Effigy"
* John-Robert Connors (Cave In, Doomriders) – drums on "Effigy" and "Wretched World"
* Ulf Cederlund (Disfear, ex-Entombed) – lead guitar, backing vocals on "Wishing Well"
* Tim "Trivikrama Dasa" Cohen (108) – lead guitar on "Damages"
* John Pettibone (Undertow, Himsa) – backing vocals on "Cutter"
* Steve Von Till (Neurosis) – lead vocals on "Cruel Bloom"
* Aimee Argote (Des Ark) – backing vocals on "Cruel Bloom"
* "The Rodeo" – backing vocals on "Cruel Bloom"
* Chris Taylor (Pygmy Lush, ex-Pg. 99) – backing vocals on "Cruel Bloom"
* Mookie Singerman (Genghis Tron) – lead vocals, keyboard on "Wretched World"
* Hamilton Jordan (Genghis Tron) – guitars on "Wretched World"
* Michael Sochynsky (Genghis Tron) – keyboard on "Wretched World"
* Brad Fickeisen (The Red Chord) – drums on "Wretched World"

It's amazing that you could still call it a Converge album. And again, without any listens to their back catalog it's hard for me to say whether or not the guest appearances really changed the music or not, but as for my first couple of listens to the CD I'd have to say that the idea that was to be obtained with each song is not lost on the listener because of the multitude of other artist contributions.


The first song on the album is Dark Horse. And it really sets the tone. The riff that starts at the :14 second mark is bad ass enough to give fans of Between the Buried and Me a boner. And as complex as it is, it's not like one of those "Dillinger" riffs that are super spastic. It's still hardcore. Very nice production on this album. The guitar tone isn't annoying, the vocals are buried enough in the muck that they don't take away from the music, and the bass line really cuts through. This song is sure to be a fan favorite during the shows because it barely let's down; which means mosh-galore.
Dark Horse barely breaks before the beat is going on the hi-hit for the next song: Reap What You Sow. By the sound of it you'd think Mastodon's Brent Hinds was playing on it. I don't think I have to keep re-stating that the songs are very fast paced. In fact from here on out just imagine each track is face rippingly fast, until noted otherwise. The vocals are very grind-core like. Very indecipherable. You'll be grabbing your linear notes once this track hits for sure. I like how this track moves from idea to idea, and then throws in an old-school solo for good measure.
Again, with no break, it's onto the next track: Axe to Fall. Very tricky guitar work on this one. But you wouldn't listen to this and think it's just some guy noodling. Guitarist Kurt Ballou is shredding. Pretty short track, but I think it was necessary. The linear notes show that most songs have limited lyrics, and the sole verse is likely to be repeated. You can't understand Jacob Bannon anyway, so that's actually not as annoying as I thought it would be.
And what do you know? The next track, Effigy, starts up right away. It's a bit exhaustive at this point. Some CD's can do it, Pig Destroyer's Terrifyer for example, but these tracks are borderline too long for it to feel like a good move. If your song repeats itself (eg verse chorus verse), and you play a style of music where most of your songs are inevitably going to sound alike, don't let every song on the album run directly into the next one. Unless the unrelenting madness is what they were aiming for. In which case they nailed it. Some really cool guitar sounds in this song. The guitar kinda takes a back seat at certain parts through-out the song for something that can only be described as "wham-doodlin'".
Finally, a break between songs, and a noticeably different tempo. And I don't mean that as "Finally, I've been waiting for that" as much as I mean it as "Oh, one finally happened. They clearly know what they're doing". Worms Will Feed takes you down to where the worms do feed: in the muck. This song is Slu-hu-hu-dgy! And oddly enough when I first heard it I figured this was one of the songs that had collaboration on it. And oddly enough: No. It's their own experimentation on their own brand of hardcore. It's a very interesting song. I think it would have even found a home on Coalesce's OX album, cause of the almost western feel to it. Actually that's pretty cool about this song. It's sludgy, so you think southern like Louisiana, but there's a twang to the guitars which puts you somewhere else in the Southwest. Then you get the hardcore part of it that makes you think California. Like the desert area in California where there are those Joshua trees. That's where this song takes place. Which is literally on the other side of the coast from Massachusetts.

Wishing Well backs up Worms Will Feed. And it does it well. The tempo is just slightly quicker, as if they're getting ready to build you back up to the original rip your face off quickness. This song has a nice chugging beat to it, without being too cheesy. And, like all songs with chugging beats it has gang vocals. With Ulf Cederlund of Disfear playing the lead guitar in this song, and because of it's Rock and Roll qualities, this song mind as well be a Disfear song featuring Jacob on vocals.
Damages. What? Still not back to face ripping speed. Clearly the guys got something up their sleeve. Maybe it's the perpetual palm muted guitars, or the fact that drummer Ben Koller is perpetually doing a drum role- but I'm not too big on this song. The different vocals towards the crawling end are a welcome change. And I like the spasm of a guitar solo that's barely a guitar solo. Essentially I like the second half of the song more than the beginning and it's staccato pattern. If the first few tracks were challenging to get through because of their punishing tempo, than these last 3 tracks have been a much needed break. But the brevity of the next song foreshadows the arrival of face-ripping speed.
Losing battle is the next rack. And sure enough, the hardcore is back. So is the fading into the next track. The guitars are much more straight-forward on this track, relying on feed back to fill voids between Bannon's singing, and the typical string bending exclamations one would expect to hear on a hardcore album (older Everytime I Die comes to mind).
Dead Beat is another track that I thought for sure would have contributing artist on it. Yet again I was proven wrong while fingering through the linear notes. This is another track with less-impressive-than-previous-tracks guitar work. Ballou is still shredding, but if you're gonna start an album with the riff found on Dark Horse, then I'm gonna have to compare each song's guitar work to that. Sounds like there were a few different guitar tracks layered together on this one. Like you can barely make out an acoustic guitar in the background during the intro, and the repeating parts of that idea.
Cutter is up next, and oh what a riff in the beginning. Hello Slayer! Alas, it's short live before switching back to spastic hardcore mode. Ballou's guitar seems like it's almost doing the back up vocals for Bannon through-out the verses. Probably one of the least creative parts of the album in my opinion. For some reason I've never really been a fan of the singer using the main riff as a vocal pattern, but it shows up a lot in hardcore. I kinda wished they did more with that sweet sounding guitar tone they had in the beginning and end of the song.
The next track, that actually wasn't faded into, is Slave Driver. I think if it wasn't for the change in vocals in the middle of the song, Bannon's growl would kind of get stale. This song is very punk. More so than anything else on the album. Yet it still manages to go back to this almost industrial sounding prog-metal rhythm. Not like Meshuggah, instead it's more like...Fear Factory? Weird, but cool: Punk and Fear Factory.
The next tracks Cruel Bloom and Wretched World are so disjointed from the rest of the album that they don't even seem like Converge songs. They literally don't feel "in place" on the album. Not odd at all is the fact that these are the two songs with the most collaboration on them. Hell, the whole Genghis Tron group shows up for Wretched World. Steve Von Till of Neurosis sings on Cruel Bloom, and the song mind as well be his. There's also some female vocals that show up in the chorus. And I think that's an xylophone. I literally don't think Bannon is featured on this song at all. So I doubt this one will ever show up in concert. It's probably just as well as this song would totally kill the show. I mean it's a good song. It's very interesting. But it honestly sounds more like Giant Squid with Steve Von Till, than it does any hardcore band, let alone the band we heard in the previous tracks. It's pretty cool to have such a different track on the album, but again, it's very disjointed. Wretched World on the other hand, though also pretty far removed from the rest of the songs on Axe to Fall, has it's own unique quality to it. In my opinion they should have cut out Cruel Bloom and just went straight to this track. Or put Cruel Bloom somewhere else in the album. It's just too weird ending the CD with two songs where I don't even know if any members of Converge are even playing along. As Genghis Tron, the entire Genghis Tron, plays on Wretched World it surely enough sounds like Genghis Tron. The drummer from Red Chord and Cave in play on the song too, but I couldn't tell you where. It mind as well be Genghis Tron's drum machine. The song is good, don't get me wrong. I actually really like it, but that's cause I already really like Genghis Tron. I actually think they should have taken the track space that Cruel Bloom took up and made Wretched World that much longer as this song could easily span 10 minutes without overstaying it's welcome. And then maybe, you know, some of the Converge guys could have shown up to play on it.


Overall I give the music on this album a 7/10. It had it's moments of greatness and it's almost like they overshadowed the moments of less awesomeness and made them into moments of mediocrity. The riff on Dark Horse for example, totally bad ass. But when you get down to tracks like Slave Driver the little hardcore bending the string noise isn't going to cut it. The drumming was tight, the bass was there, but neither were amazing. I actually think the main issue with the band is Bannon's lack of range. I understand fully the style of music they are playing, but hell even grindcore bands switch it up a little. Just look at JR Hayes of Pig Destroyer or Kevin Sharp of Brutal Truth. I think the collaboration is a big reason this album got such great reviews. It helped break up some of the monotony of Bannon's growl. I haven't listened to Converge enough to know how the contributing guitarists changed the sound of the music, but Ballou is seemingly a beast on guitar when he wants to be. He showed a great deal of dexterity and open-mindedness to dabble in other genres through-out the album. He is truly the bands greatest asset.

I'd give the album artwork a 6/10. It wasn't anything crazy cool, or even super inventive, but it fits the music. After seeing some of their other albums artwork it's clear that one guy (Ballou) has consistently done them all. Kinda like when you look at Mastodon's art work.

Overall that gives Axe to Fall a 13/20. Unfortunately they couldn't get a perfect score from me, but 13/20 is still really good. One thing that is clear with this album is that it will be a grower for me. Again, I haven't really listened to anything that Converge has put out in the past, so it's hard to really grade this album based on their other work. This was a new experience for me and I'm glad that I got the album. I'm sure I'll be going back to it a lot, and will undoubtedly hear new and cool things that I didn't catch before. Up next for my reviews I still have:

Keep of Kalessin- Armada
Cobalt- Gin
Marduk- Wormwood
Clutch- Strange Cousins from the West
OM- God is Good
And I think that's it. Thankfully I'm not the most prolific writer ever, so I'm sure there will be space in between those albums, if I even get to all of them.

Thank You for Being a Tran

Finally, someone went ahead and made the parody we were all thinking of. Or at least that I was also thinking of. The Golden Shower Girls. Watch as the pre-ops go to Burt Reynold's big gay orgy to get some, but run into a police roadblock on their way to the Hershey highway. Will the girls/guys ever get the chance to smoke Burt's bandit?

Cat Dives in Box

This cat really enjoys diving in boxes.



That is all.

Album Review: Magrudergrind

All I wanted for xmas was an Xbox 360, and a shit ton of CD's to help fill out my library. Mom pulled through with the 360, but the rest of the fam' let me down. I was forced to spend all of my xmas money on CD's. As I clear my way through them I will, of course, let you all know which ones you need to get a hold of.

Right now, as I'm eagerly awaiting my 2nd package to arrive, I'm jamming to the short but sweet self-titled '09 EP from Magrudergrind. Their tight, raw, grinding punk sound with clear metal influences is showcased with perfect production via Kurt Ballou of Converge fame (whose CD Axe to Fall is in the mail as we speak). Hell it was even mastered by fellow grindcore guitar legend Scott Hull of Pig Destroyer. Loud, fast, and at the same time confusingly catchy. There isn't something about this grindcore band that I don't like.



And while most will label them as grindcore, Magrudergrind keep it very punk. Not in the "I gave myself a mohawk so I look like the guy from The Casualties" type of punk. I'm talking about the "fuck you I do what I want" style of punk that was essentially buried under a pile of un-purchased Give 'Em The Boot compilations in the backroom of your local Hot Topic sometime in the mid to late 90's. The album cover says it all with a crossed out musical note (an eighth note to be exact) placed directly under their moniker.

The album starts off with The Protocols of Anti-sound. Ringing guitars and a sound clip of what sounds like some Japanese warrior getting himself pumped up to go kamikaze someone set the atmosphere for Magrudergrind's inevitable ass-whooping on your ears. And, of course, the song doesn't stick around for too much longer afterwords. In true grindcore fashion, barely any of their songs touch the 2 minute mark. Because the songs are so short I'm going to go against my typical review style and just speak about the album as a whole rather than dissect each song. There's not much to say about a song that is less than 2 minutes long. Guitarist RJ Ober dishes out riff after riff without letting a single one go stale, or fall flat. Chris Moore's drumming is a frenzy of blast beats but still manages to have soul. Not something your typical drum machine can emmulate. Avi Kulawy displays a well honed grasp on key grindcore vocals such as shrieking and grunting. And not pig grunts. Fuck pig grunts. Major props to the band for sneaking in The Spirit of Truth on the tail-end of Heretics, just before Bridge Burners; an extra sludgy gem that wouldn't be out of place on any Eyehategod album. That you can find influences in Magrudergrind's music is a testament to the quality of their playing and diversity within their grind, and not because they're wearing it on their sleeves. Credit is also due for their ability to keep the listeners interest on this album. Many-a-grindcore band put out album after album that start to blur together after track 3. However, the punk feel of these songs, and the soundbites too, help keep the feeling fresh and despite the lyrical content, rather light-hearted. But any feeling you have that these dudes are probably real chill and would be fun to party with ends with closer Martyrs of the Shoah- a song about the Jews who were victims of this holocaust-related death camp. But don't let that change your mind about these guys, I'm sure they still love to party.



I'd give the music for this album a 9/10. Even though it's a grindcore album, it still manages to stay interesting and exude creativity. It's likely because of the bands ability to work outside of the genre, and incorporate some death metal, sludge, and punk into the songs. On paper it sounds like a major step away from their back catalog, but this album should do anything but alienate their core group of fans.
I'd give the album artwork an 8/10. It's very simplistic, harkening back to random picture collages like the ones found on Dead Kennedy's Fresh Fruit for Rotten Vegetables linear notes, and Carcass's Reek of Putrefaction, only less muddled together. The DIY feel of the art goes perfect with the DIY feel of the music. Anything more would have just been awkward.
So, overall that gives the album a 17/20. Pretty damn good for a grindcore album where one would expect little substance. But I'd highly recommend this album to any fan of grindcore. Or if you're into punk or metal and want a great starting place for diving into the fast-paced, face-melting world of grindcore. I wouldn't recommend it to the douchebags who try to keep borders around their genres who'll likely argue that the album is "Too-This/That" and "Not Enough-This/That" to fit within their respective genre. You all can go fuck yourself. I'm looking forward to seeing these guys kick ass at the Maryland Deathfest this year in Baltimore. More on that later. Until then, I might go buy some Portal CD's so I can sing along to Glumerphonel when I see them at the Fest too.

Not Even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone...

Not even Kenny Loggin's Danger Zone could work up enough adrenaline for most people to go ahead and physically assault the leader of the Catholic religion, ie the Pope. But this lady is not most people. Nor is the person who actually made the youtube account that hosts this video: "WomanAttackPope". I can't believe I didn't hear about this before, or why I haven't seen any parodies of it yet.