Who the Fuck Are You?

So I've been hearing, er, I guess seeing a lot of this woman. She apparently is well known by everyone, but she's seemingly made it under my radar. I blame it on the fact that I haven't turned on the radio or MTV for more than 20 seconds since 2006. Still though, I'm usually at least a little up to date on what's hip with the kids. Hell, I am only 22. How can I be so disconnected? I've seen pictures of her with her hair up in a bow, and sometimes in some revealing clothing, and would just say to myself "who the fuck are you?". Now that's she's finally made it back from the UK, I thought I'd take the opportunity to get to know her.
Ok, I guess I should tell you who I'm talking about. Lady GaGa. Who the fuck is she? Well for those of you like me, who don't know, she's some keyboard fingering, club music playing broad who's fashion sense apparently makes her eccentric and hip. Oh, and the bow in her hair. Yeah she literally turns her hair into a bow.


Here's some of the "art" she produces that gets mass-marketed to the youth of today:



Her musical influences? The typical glorified rock musicians that have since become decorum to be influenced by for hipsters:

Yoko Ono, Elvis, David Bowie, Morrissey, Queen, Robert Smith, Robert Plant, Freddy Mercury, Prince, Rod Stewart, Thomas Dolby, Depeche Mode, The Faint, Radiohead, Beck, Franz Ferdinand, The Cure, Nine Inch Nails, Grace Slick & Jefferson Airplane, Queen, Led Zep, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, Talking Heads,The Scissor Sisters, The Dresden Dolls, Mika, She Wants Revenge, Janis Joplin, Jenny Lewis, Joy Division, New Order, The Killers, Justin Warfield, Chuck Berry, BuckCherry, Billy Idol, White Stripes, Strokes, Blondie, Pat Benetar, Rilo Kiley, Elton John, Jerry-Lee Lewis, John Lennon, The Beatles. Drag queens in general. Jimmy Choo. Hot Groupie chicks. Hairspray *not the musical. Black Eyeliner. Strippers. Sequins. D-I-S-C-O!

Except for the few new day shit can's that she (if she even wrote this) slipped in there like The Scissor Sisters, and Buckcherry. And the lone new-age band that doesn't suck complete donkey balls, Radiohead. And the few inanimate objects she throws in at the end.

So, if it isn't apparently obvious to you, I pretty much think her music blows alligator dick. Yet, a lot of people actually think she's really artistic...and...original...and talented...and...artistic. I mean what the fuck? Look at this shit, and if you can watch if for more than 2 minutes than you are a better man than I, although I think there's some naked lady somewhere in there, so that might be a reason to at least fast-forward through the shit.



Wow. She has self-entitlement written all over her. What a twat, and I say that with all due respect to the vaginae of the world. (I should note here that Mozilla Firefox's spell check told me vaginae was the plural of vagina. The more you know!).

And she really must have slipped under my radar, as apparently this isn't her first appearance. Looks like my attempt to disconnect myself from the dribble of pop-culture has finally payed it's dividends. But at what cost? The only thing I really achieved was a few years of ignorant bliss, only to have a full blown Lady Gaga dump taken on my face all at once. Speaking of female fecal facials, here's Paris Hilton on Lady Gaga. And when I say on I don't mean sexually at all. Otherwise I might have made an STD joke. Instead when I say "on" I mean interviewing, but more figuratively I mean festering next to. Which is where the poop joke and Paris Hilton's lazy eye come in.



There's just something about the way she poses for pictures that makes me want to stab her with a sword that I forged whilst out on a vision quest that was inspired by her music. A vision quest in which I stayed in the woods for 3 months mining iron ore from the ground and than extracted the iron out of it within the furnace I constructed out of skulls. Skulls and rocks, because skulls don't hold up to that intense of heat. A vision quest in which I wore nothing but a loin cloth fabricated out of the pelt of a wolverine that I would have skinned and desecrated to the tune of Gary Glitter's Do You Wanna Touch (because Rock and Roll parts 1 and 2 are too anthemic). A vision quest in which I learned how to speak to rocks, and the rocks told me their secrets, thus alchemy was re-born. A vision quest in which I fasted for 7 days until I saw the Apache warrior who helped me hone my blade into vorpal sharpness. A vision quest in which I enacted the slaying of Lady Gaga daily, soundtrack by Neurosis. But enough about my vision quest. And, for the sake of the children, enough about Lady Gaga. She's a vapid hipster princess that border-lines on scene girl with no fucking talent other than whatever fucking house music pile of fiber-less buffalo dung she "DJ's" and her sense of fashion that really sets her apart from the pack. If by sets her apart from the pack you mean makes her look like someone who utilized a person with no arms or legs wrapped in velcro to pick out her clothing by being thrown into a Salvation Army clothing donation bin, and then fished out whilst stuck to whatever the fuck she was supposed to wear that day.
I can just here the clueless masses heralding her accomplishments to my tired ear now.
"But Archidoucheis, she's sooo original and talented. She adds art into her music and she's really passionate about it. There's nobody like her out there!"

Two words- My. Ass.

You want to see original? You want to see eccentric? You want to see "nobody like them out there"? Go do some research on G.G Allin. Until then, you should probably shut the fuck up. Who the fuck is Lady Gaga? I don't fucking care anymore.