Get into that Christams Mood, or Else

I don't know about you guys, but I pretty much hate Christmas music. Just about all of it. Unless it's Christmas day, I really don't want to hear anything about Santa, or sleigh bells. I work part time in a retail store, so starting Black Friday I'm sure to be bombarded by Christmas to the point where I can feel Santa's big, red, old, stinky sack hitting me in the face. Soak in the imagery. And there are of course songs that I hate more so than others. Elvis' Blue Christmas for example. I simply cannot tolerate the background vocals and their "do-doo do-dodo"-ing. Another example is the song "Christmas Shoes" by some faggy Christian group called New Song. Here's the video for the song in case you haven't had the esteemed pleasure of letting it ruin your holiday.



I remember like a year or two ago when I first heard that song come on. I did a double take because I couldn't believe what I was hearing out of the speakers. Christmas has to be one of the happiest holidays out of the whole year. And yet, here's this Christian rock band doing their damnedest to suck all the joy out of it by singing a song about a kid buying shoes for his dying mom so she looks pretty when she gets to Heaven. What the fuck? I'd go on further, but Patton Oswalt has already hit the nail on the head in this stand up bit:

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It

This 8bit (or maybe 16bit?) animated video is called Truckers Delight. It's like a Japanese video game about a horny truck driver. Enjoy.

Bottomless Pits: The Possibilities Are Also Endless

So I was watching a video that was made from the top of the Burj Dubai: the tallest building in the world at 2,684 ft. In the comment section someone asked if someone took a dump off of the top of the building, how long it would take to hit the bottom. Sounded like a pretty good question to me. So I started looking around for the the terminal velocity of poop. I ended up finding this thread on Reddit in which someone asks "If you were falling down a bottomless, but didn't realize it was bottomless, how long would it be before you stopped freaking out?" Almost immediately the conversation starts asking the really tough questions, and makes it way back to poo.

iJustRegistered |142 pointswritten 29 days ago

If while falling, you reached terminal velocity, and you pooped, would your poop float beside you forever?

edit: spelling

• Scarker |223 pointswritten 28 days ago

  Reddit.com: We ask the tough questions.

  • CEOofEarthMITTROMNEY |10 pointswritten 28 days ago

    It's this kind of "gotcha" journalism that is killing Reddit.

• JohnFensworth |51 pointswritten 29 days ago

  I wondered that too!!! And then I wondered how it would be if you happened to have a bunch of food falling beside you at terminal velocity, and it was within your reach. You could survive a long time, but there would eventually be poop encompassing your entire general area!

  • TheDeadMethod |33 pointswritten 29 days ago

    i love you, so so much. i spent a delightfully long time vividly envisioning a perpetual fall in the company of only food and my own waste.

Click here for the rest of the Reddit posts.


Oh, and the average weight of a bowel movement is about .27lbs (depends on weight of individual amongst other things). So if we say it's a .27lb dump, and exclude air resistance we can calculate that it would take approximately 12.9 seconds to hit the bottom. But it would exceed terminal velocity at some point so we can assume then that it might take longer, like about 15 seconds. The math is not exact, and is only an approximation.

Anything is Better Than Jeff Dunham

I'm glad I'm not the only person that doesn't like Jeff Dunham. I mean, I kind of suspected that I wasn't that much a of a cynical dick to be the ONLY person to think his brand of comedy blew lemur taint. He wouldn't even be a comedian if he wasn't treading around in Jeff Foxworthy's Blue Collar Comedy reject punchlines with his hand up the ass of a wooden doll. What adult actually likes ventriloquists anyway?

Answer: This woman-


Who I highly doubt is going to be tuning to Comedy Central at 9pm on Thursdays when she could be watching Sean Hannity blow himself weeknights at 9pm on Fox News.

Answer: Hungarians-




That's absolutely terrifying. But they still got nothing on David Liebe Hart.



I'm not against all puppets. There are a few instances where they can even be hilarious. None of the above will ever be as funny as Triumph. He may be a sock puppet, lo-tech, and you may even be able to see the guy's lips moving. But Triumph is still light years ahead of what Jeff Dunham calls comedy.

Triumph The Insult Comic Dog - Star Wars
Uploaded by ZaraV. - Click for more funny videos.

Along the same lines as Triumph, is (were) the equally lo-tech Sifl and Olly. Sifl and Olly were a featured show on MTV late at night. This was during the time when MTV still played some music videos, and had on funny shows like Bevis and Butthead. Not the bloody vagina-fest that it is now.



Jeff Dunham, take some notes. You suck. End of story.

Christmas is Coming

Every year on Christmas eve since I can remember I had been dragged by my parents to a Roman Catholic church in order to listen to the story of the birth of Jesus and why at this time of the year we need to promote good will toward men. We never went to church at any other time of the year other than Christmas eve, and never exhibited any praise or thanks to Jesus the day after while we were tearing apart our gifts and stuffing our faces with the Christmas feast. The priest explained to us that Jesus was born on exactly December 25th to a virgin mother who had an immaculate conception (ie God put his seed in her, and than convinced David to raise the kid). We listened to the story and believed his words because surely a priest wouldn't lie to us, than went to Chef Wong's for some of the best Chinese food ever. It wasn't until later in life that I began to question things like what does Santa, and decorating pine trees have to do with Jesus's birth? The priest didn't mention any of that when he was talking about people showering the baby born next to farm animals with gifts. But much like rabbits and Easter eggs I decided to just accept and enjoy it. But, without further ado, let's watch this video that will help us all take the "Christ" out of Chirstmas.

Favorite Video of Olde

Brian Posehn delivers a message. A message of hope for those who choose to hear it, and a warning for those who do not. Metal By Numbers.

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It.

Your kitchen is turning against you. You should've done those dishes.

Your Mother was a Stupid Moron

This is an animation that was made using audio from a different, serious YouTube video.



Here's another one that will actually help answer the fat retarded man's questions.



These next two videos are by a guy who's so serious it's hard to believe it's satire.

A Message From the Bad News Bear

click to enlarge

Halloween

Another Halloween has passed, thus marking the changing of seasons. I'm not talking about Fall either. Who gives a shit when that's really here or gone. I'm talking about cleavage season. It usually starts around mid to late April and ends abruptly the day after Halloween. Manufacturers know that eventually it will be too cold for the breasts to remain uncovered, so they give us men one last hullabaloo by making ALL females Halloween costumes slutty. You can literally think of any profession, or fairy tale and there is a slutty costume for it. Exhibit A:


Men on the other hand must either try and match their girlfriend, or throw together something all their own. Pirates, the Beer Fest guys, Scarface, etc. But me and a couple of guys from work who had to work this Saturday decided to pay tribute to one of the greatest zombie movies ever made:



Best. Work Day. Ever.