A message from the Bad News Bear

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Riding on the Internet

The folks at Everything is Terrible have already let us know how moms can get on the net, but what about us kids? Well, on your mark. Get set. We're riding on the internet kids! For barbarian pornography.



Peter sure did know a lot about the internet...like where to find centaur porn and Conan the Barbarian erotic fan fiction. And the way he greeted Andrew let me know that he was hip and someone I could connect with. Connect with on the net! Hahahaha. Oh... this is terrible.

Bring Forth the Wrath of Cleansing Fire

If my disdain for the religious zealots of the world had not already been established than let me just make it clear right now that, and as horrible as it may sound, I firmly believe that there are some people in this world that deserve to die. And if you are a religious fundamentalist that constantly works towards instilling fear into people's hearts, slowing down the education and progression of humans, and placing blame for the world's tragedies because you believe your fairy-fucking-tale savior commands it of you, then I feel that the world would be better off if you just died. Some people might call that a little harsh but I see it as a win-win for everyone. We get rid of the brainwashed, loud mouth, oft-hypocritical, religious freaks, and they get the notion that just maybe they are being martyrs. And if they're being martyrs than inevitably they'll pick up a few followers. They can die too. I don't even want to try rehabilitation. The world's too populated, fuck 'em.
So what is it today that has me feeling such an infuriating rage for those among us that put their faith in god above all other rules? Well I was just moseying around the internet when I happened to find a youtube clip of a movie that I wanted to rent one time, but had forgotten about. Jesus Camp! And in said video I witnessed a pasty-white fat fuck that must have forgotten the gluttony was a sin tell children that Harry Potter was a tool of the devil. Small children. Here, watch


I am absolutely disgusted that this woman is still alive. Look at that fat fucking behemoth slob of a human being preach to children about sin. What the fuck made her so holy? It sure as hell wasn't the box of donuts she polished off before getting up on stage. And those kids faces. It's either an empty, blank stare or a scared-to-death glare. That poor kid at the end has to be the only intelligent person in that whole fucking building. I can't even imagine the verbal (and probably physical) reprimanding that he received from not only his parents, but other parents as well, and his peers. For being a free-thinker that child was probably ostracized from any friendships he might of had, and forced to read the bible again and again until he was certain that he felt jebus in his heart. I hope he grows up and assassinates that fat fucking preacher if she doesn't die of a heart attack first. Absolutely disgusting.
I also found this video, which made me feel all warm and toasty inside. Why? Because somewhere out there in the world, people aren't stupid. And some day, I will live amongst these people. And it will be a joyous time of intellectual growth. A boy can wish.

YouTube Poop

Occasionally even I enjoy schizophrenic mash-ups of youtube videos. This is what happens when the internet purges itself.



Although the original was never really that much better.


I seriously love that chainsaw guy.

Let's Not Question It, Let's Just Enjoy It

The internet just became 23% more awesome.
http://www.getonmyhorse.com/

I can't even begin to describe it. There's just things in life that are so retarded that they become amazing. Sweet lemonade.

Fan-tastic

Georgia, home of Coca-Cola's headquarters, peaches, and probably some of the craziest college football fans ever. Well, namely one. This guy went through an entire interview speaking as if he were the Ultimate Warrior. He even explained how to get the best looking full body paint for those of you who might want to sport your team's colors at the next home game.



You can't tell me that this kid doesn't have a future in the WWE. Sure he could stand to hit the gym and bulk up...a lot. But damn does he not have that voice down. Please note exhibit A on the wooden video:

The French

I've never been to France, but from what I hear it's a lovely place filled with self-important twats and some regular folk that fill out the country side. They love their food and wine, have some of the best cooking schools in the world, and yet manage to not be nearly as fat as us Americans.

Can't wait to pay for her health care!

But don't let them make you think they've never unleashed anything horrible on the world. Thankfully I was too young to have given a shit about this next video. But the internet is a ruthless place and brings forth an unfathomable amount of shitty media. Hence, France's very own: Jordy Lemoine.

Poor Jordy, like most child stars, was the victim of being exploited by his parents. Thankfully for him he didn't live in America where he would inevitably been raped by Michael Jackson.

Mmm, young AND Blond

He went into hiding for about 10 years after his parents couldn't milk anymore money out of him and eventually divorced. He has since made a comeback in the form of a shitty rock outfit called Jordy and the Dixies which likely only has a following with former Jordy fans and people who generally like watered down, un-original, alt-rock groups. And while Jordy may have grown up, France has not given up on releasing annoying ass songs sung by babies. The only exception here is that they substituted an exploitable real-life child with a never aging, CGI, Caucasian version of Dora the Explorer.

Not Even Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone...

The Anchorage Nanooks are some college ice hockey team in Alaska. Their symbol is a polar bear. Nothing too special there. But how about if that polar bear was the size of Godzilla, emerged from the co-explosions of Dubhe, Mizar, and the 5 other stars of the Ursa Major constellation via a jet pack (and likely some amount of forward momentum from the nebulae-fueled explosion) whilst carrying a hockey stick? How about if that bear used said hockey stick to pulverize a satellite? Oh, and it fucking destroys the moon, lands in Anchorage and proceeds to rape the landscape. The soundtrack is of course provided by Kenny Loggins, but will Danger Zone be lacking the necessary badassitry displayed when this bear emerges from the depths of space to annihilate whatever poor team decides to show up on the opponent's bench of his ice rink?



Hmm, I dunno. Maybe ONLY Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone can soundtrack that movie as I'm pretty sure nothing else would cut it. That bear, after all, did have a goddamn jet pack.

Coffee Shop Ramblings

What is it with people and their damn ringtones? I understand if you want to pick a song that you really like to be your ringtone, hell even I have that. What I don't understand is why they think everyone else around them want to hear it? On a relatively quiet day in the coffee shop I was startled when I heard the sound of a rooster crowing. This lady sitting across from me seemingly forgot to put her cellphone on vibrate, or hell even on a lower volume setting. But these things happen. What also usually happens is the person realizes that there is no reason for their phone to be so loud so they turn it on vibrate to be courteous. Not this bitch. Not only did she not bother to turn her phone down, she thought it was funny that people were startled by the loud rooster noise signifying her incoming text message. And she thought it was funny each subsequent time that the phone crowed obnoxiously. She'd pick up her phone with delight, look around the room to see who was looking at her, and then giggle. And then it donned on me. I had always wondered who was dumb enough to actually follow through with those Jamster commercials. The ones where you can get that annoying ass bear singing some lame-ass song. Or how about this rabbit?

Yeah, my hats off to you if you managed to make it through that whole video. Who would pay for things like this? This lady, that's who. Why? To annoy people like me. We had the opportunity folks. All we had to do is get together and reject this bullshit and Jamster would have went under. But noooo. Some of you assholes aren't getting it so now the Jamster et al commercials plague TV like pinkeye in a college dorm. Come on now people. I'd like to have faith in you, but you gotta feed me some rope here.