My Grindcore is Missing Something...Oh That's Right, Porn

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Mark Your Calendars For the Holiday from Hell

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June 6th is the National Day of Slayer, in opposition to the National Day of Prayer. And while it isn't a true national holiday, the folks over at http://www.nationaldayofslayer.org/ are doing their damnedest to get it recognized. This year will mark the 3rd year that the holiday has been celebrated, and this year support is larger than ever.

Why would someone want to celebrate a Day of Slayer? If you even have to ask you should just punch yourself in the face. Why celebrate a day of Slayer? Because it's FUCKING SLAYER!! One of the most influential metal bands ever. Even if you're an extreme metal historian who knows about all the other influential yet underrated bands of the time you can't not recognize their popularity and their advancement of the genre.

How are you supposed to celebrate The National Day of Slayer? Well if you think it's by having a moment of silence you're dead wrong. The National Day of Slayer Task Force asks that you

1. Arm yourself to the teeth with Slayer's discography.
2. Blast Slayer at all times, on all radios, at maximum volume
3. No Fucking Headphones!




Their website states that the object of the holiday is to project Slayer upon the non-participants. They go on to state ways to take the holiday to the extreme by

* Stage a "Slay-out." Don't go to work. Listen to Slayer.
* Have a huge block party that clogs up a street in your neighborhood. Blast Slayer albums all evening. Get police cruisers and helicopters on the scene. Finish with a full-scale riot.
* Spray paint Slayer logos on churches, synagogues, or cemeteries.
* Play Slayer covers with your own band (since 99% of your riffs are stolen from Slayer anyway).
* Kill the neighbor's dog and blame it on Slayer.

I will be doing my part by posting a few of Slayer's greatest hits on my blog, so even if you aren't a proud owner of a Slayer album you can recognize this great holiday, and pay tribute to the GREATEST GENRE OF MUSIC EVER.

Not Even Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone...

Not even Kenny Loggins' Danger Zone could be used during a montage of this kid's martial arts training from a nerdy Russian boy to the bad ass karate expert he is, as displayed in this video



Do you think anyone wants a round house to the face while I'm wearing this denim jacket? Forget about it!...But seriously do you? Cause I looked all around before I started doing my moves to make sure no one was watching...

At least I think he's doing karate. He might actually be trying to dance. Either way...I love the internet.

Explanation for Hiatus

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I haven't been around because I went to the Phillies' game on Wednesday and the rest of the week I was on a camping and fishing trip. I'll get back to it either later tonight or tomorrow.

Hot Dogs Go Bananas

Here's a picture of some wiener dogs in banana outfits. Just because.

Metal: Best Fan Base Ever

Sure the Jonas Brothers, Justin Timberlake, and Akon might get hundreds of thousands of screaming fans. But metal bands have quality fans that make up for the lack of quantity. Like this Black Sabbath fan.



He was so excited he had to give everyone a play by play of what he was going through. He even let everyone know that he was leaving. And clearly this is a guy who has spent hours, nay, years in his basement jamming out to his prized Heaven and Hell vinyl. You might see an over weight, aging, black shirt donning metal nerd. But all I see is devotion. I guarantee in 10 years none of the Jonas Brother's fans will even remember a single one of their songs. In the meantime that guy will have already written out on his will that he wants Electric Funeral to play during his open casket viewing.

Mastodon Concert Review

Friday night, at the Theater of the Living Arts in center city Philly I saw Mastodon perform with supporting acts Intronaut and Kylesa, who opened in that order. Even though the comparison is almost cliche at this point, Intronaut play a Neurosis-style progressive metal. Two guitars chugg over top of a very tight and talented rhythm section. Oddly enough, and not at all in metal style, the bass is not drowned out at all, nor is he relegated to just playing simple low-end bass lines. Instead many of Intronaut's songs feature the bass as a key element to the music, and sometimes the bass even carries the melody. Through out their career Intronaut has also drawn comparisons to Mastodon, but where Mastodon go and make anthemic rock songs that even feature melodic, harmonizing vocals, Intronaut are happy to just play in the muck of Neurosis' Through Silver and Blood, sprinkling instrumental distortion-free sections and hummable melodies where they please. So how were they live?
Intronaut songs generally last about 7 minutes or so, so not much of their catalog could be played within their 30 minute set. That left them to sticking to the new album's foot tappers from the "play one we all know" set that all opening bands find themselves delving into. The set was flawless though, and seemingly I wasn't the only one in the audience (about 100 people or so at the time) who had heard of them. The crowd got into the music and a few guys tried their best to head bang and mosh to the odd time signatures, but weren't really drunk enough to pull it off for more than a minute or two. The set ended with said rhythm section grooving along to the final song's music for an extended 45 seconds or so after the two guitarist/singers finished playing. I highly recommend checking this band out if you are a fan of progressive metal, or really anything Neurosis-esque.
The next band up was one I knew only a little about going into the show, Kylesa. They feature 5 members, two of which sing, and one of which is also a guitar shredding female. And not to take away from the rarely found metal gal, but the "shtick" of the band was clearly their use of two drummers. Yes, two. The drummers set up almost identical drum sets, and play predominately the same part save for a few moments when either drummer would add their own syncopation or drum fill. But aside from a few moments the dual-drumming goes largely unnoticed. If I had to describe the style of music it'd be where Melvins/Kyuss style stoner rock and Sick of it All punk rock meets EyeHateGod style southern rock and Venom style black metal with a female vocalist that sings in between her male counterpart in either a metal growl or a Jarboe style croon. Yeah, it's all over the fucking place. But they were good. I don't know any of their songs so I can't really say what their set focused on, and while I myself probably won't be getting any of their albums soon, they are worth at least checking out.
Then it was time for Mastodon. Some ambient noise was played, the large multi-screen TV thing behind them lit up with pictures of galaxies, stars, and black holes. And then over top of that was what seemed to be scenes from a black and white movie about Rasputin (obviously because of the influence he had on the "story" of the Crack the Skye album). They literally played Crack the Skye from front to back, all seven songs, for the first half of the set. I was surprised at first, and a little afraid that they might not play anything from their other albums. Then I caught on about 3 songs in that they were playing the entire album, and there was no way that was taking their whole set up. I'm not going to dissect each song, but let me just say that all of the songs sounded great live. Even the ones that I wasn't crazy about on the album. The 10 minute long Czar and 13 minute long Last Baron were played flawlessly, including the Rush-YYZ moment in The Last Baron which got a round of applause from the now sold out sized crowd. Mastodon then left the stage for about 3 minutes or so for a break, and then returned triumphantly for the second half of their set. The screen now displayed the Blood Mountain album art and Mastodon went into an extended version of Blade Catcher. The rest of the songs went chronologically backwards in albums and were as follows:
Colony of Birchmen
Crystal Skull
The Wolf is Loose
Capillarian Crest
Seabeast
Iron Tusk
March of the Fire Ants

(I may have missed a song there, or switched one or two, but I think that's right)

Needless to say the crowd was more than happy to hear Mastodon's newer songs, and ecstatic to hear the older songs, and some of their most heavy of songs at that. Even in the packed house a large mosh pit was able to open up in the middle, but I was there to hear the music so I opted to go upstairs to the 21+ bar section to take in the show. It was weird to leave such a crowded show not having been basted in hairy-heavy-other-metal-men juice. And let me just say, Mastodon clearly brings forth some of the hairiest of metal-heads. One thing I also saw, and expected, in the audience was a healthy group of hipsters with their ironic big black framed glasses. Yet while they were there, their presence was not as overwhelming as I had feared it might be because of their new album and refined sound. So good times were had by all, including the gym clothes wearing, shoeless, probably drugged out guy who was doing some wild dancing in the middle of the mosh pit during Kylesa's set and dodging clotheslines from nearby metal-heads who were seemingly unhappy with his hippy style rug-cutting that'd be better suited at Bonnaroo. The old bonnaroo, not the new washed down commercialized new-day wood stock let down that it is today. Good times indeed.

Why Didn't I Think of That?

A cat in a blue running suit playing a keyboard while other people fail at life. Genius. Why didn't I think of that? Well, he needs no introduction. So here's my 3 favorite Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat videos. Go to the website to see all of them.







That cat knows how to play. Unlike this asshole



Get some lessons, you fucking cat.

Not A Lot Going On

Sorry for not updating in like 4 days. I promise I'll get back on it next week. Tonight is the Mastodon concert in Philly, so I'll be sure to post something about it. That and I don't think I did a review of Exterminator City yet. Yeah, I watched it. And I've been trying to get it out of my head ever since. So hang tight, I'll update soon.

The New Tony Jaa?

So Ong-Bak 2 has been released for quite some time now, but because there were some financial troubles in the middle of filming which made the process last longer than it should have, the film likely lost most of it's international contracts. I don't know if that means we'll have to wait more for the DVD, or if there won't be a DVD with English subtitles, but as of right now no company has set a date of release stateside (other Tony Jaa releases were done through Dragon Dynasty which is owned by The Weinstein Company and Genius Products, or Magnolia). But it looks like there is yet another promising "real fight" actor coming out, only this time he's out of Muslim Indonesia. Iko Uwais plays the lead role, and here's the movies synopsis:

In Minangkabau, West Sumatera, Yuda a student of Silat Harimau is in the final preparations to begin his "Merantau" a century's old rites-of-passage to be carried out by the community's young men that will see him leave the comforts of his idyllic farming village and make a name for himself in the bustling city of Jakarta.
After a series of setbacks leave Yuda homeless and uncertain about his new future, a chance encounter results in him defending the orphaned Astri from becoming the latest victim of a European human trafficking ring led by the wildly psychotic, Ratger. Yuda's introduction to the city is a baptism of fire as he is forced to go on the run with Astri and her younger brother Adit as all the pimps and gangsters that inhabit the night hound the streets chasing their every step.

But even if the plot doesn't excite you just remember, movies like this aren't watched for the stories, they're watched for the fight scenes, and by the looks of it this movie will kick ass. Now I know I've said that before with Chocolate, so hopefully I'm not proven wrong again. Not that Chocolate was bad, but it didn't live up to the hype that I gave it. Anyway, check out the trailer for the movie that's set to be released in August, Merantau

Possibly the Best Picture I've Ever Taken

Friday, while on lunch break from work I decided that I wanted some Arby's. As I was driving through the strip mall that the Arby's is located in I had to slam on my breaks because a large woman in a hover-round was "merging" from the sidewalk straight across the street. I didn't even get so much as a hand signal from her. Then, as I'm pulling into the Arby's I have to turn left so that I can get around the median that separates the Drive-Thru from the driving lane (notice map below). As I'm pulling around, said large woman in hover-round by-passes the median because she has a better turning radius. I managed to get 2 pictures of her and I knew I had to share them with the internet. I was going to think of some catchy title, or fail logo, but I couldn't decide on the perfect one. So I'll leave that to the internet. Anyway, Behold:








She cut me off at Arby's in a goddamn Hover-Round. Damn you Hover-Round woman!

p.s. I'm trying to see if Break.com will buy the pictures from me since they buy content off of people. I wouldn't think that'd make anyone think less of me, but $50 bucks for a picture is still $50.